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Old 06-14-2013, 02:26 PM
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AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
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Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

I'm really glad you found it helpful, and as others have said, good on both of you for thinking hard and taking difficult advice. Just a quick thought --

"This is to say, I do not think I have such a good handle on such things to the point that it would be irresponsible or immature to willingly get into such an arrangement. I don't think this is entirely fair to her or her other partners, and doubly, if not triply so for a husband or other long-term partner."

Why would it be unfair to her life partner for her to date you, but not unfair to your husband (I assume we've gotten past the point of thinking that he MUST necessarily have ongoing access to her body and heart just because you do)?

Time management and dealing with jealousy are crucial to doing poly well, and that would be true in a triad as much as in any structure. Angling for a triad is not a way to skirt having to deal with these issues... you just can't avoid them if you want to be non-monogamous. If anything, the poly-fi triad attempts I've read about have been *more* rife with problems around these topics... which might be because the people who put themselves in those situations were more inexperienced to begin with, but which I think also has a lot to do with the fact that in that sort of structure you go from 0 to 100 right away... from it being just you and your husband all the time to this third person suddenly taking up a huge chunk of your life with no "home base" of their own to return to to give you space while you adjust to the reality of being open. No room for either of you to cope with missing those days when it was just the two of you, because if you want to leave the third person alone for a while you're abandoning them with no allowance for another support in their lives. And there's no room for anyone in that sort of scenario to nurture the one-on-one connections that every relationship needs like oxygen.*

*This being why I found this question from your husband, which I didn't take the time to comment on specifically before, to be especially troubling --
"How rude would it be to ask a potential individual to do as much as possible 'together' as a trio?"
-- it just shows a lack of understanding of how deep, authentic, romantic relationships form. And, yeah, it would be way rude. If I were involved with you, it would make me feel like I was constantly being monitored, regardless of your intent.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.

Last edited by AnnabelMore; 06-14-2013 at 02:33 PM.
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