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Old 01-26-2010, 03:57 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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You sound as though I think it should be easy for you.
Ah but if that was how my message read-my deepest apologies.
This is NOT an easy path for ANY of us.
Can I give you a suggestion if I might? Well-maybe for both of you?
Check out this whole thread. I KNOW its long. Don't try to read it in a day. It sure as heck wasn't written in a day-but it's been a HUGE inspiration to me and I've only managed to read pieces and parts of it!

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=197

Anyone who suggests to you that finding ourselves, changing ourselves is FAST or EASY-is full of crap.

I've always been quite blunt and very strong-willed. In point of fact I have never been shy or the kind to "give in" (at least if you ask my friends).
But the DEEPER truth is that I STILL felt as though I were in bondage in my life in many ways.

I was taught to "do your best no matter what" and "never give up" and "always do what's right". Those are great in THEORY. But our lives aren't theory.

What is right in a situation where it's only two shitty options? Heck if I know!

The truth is we are all on a long road, and we all struggle. Even those people you look at that seem to KNOW they are in the right place, right time etc. "on top of their game", even those people have moments where they are just LOST.

IF I were in your shoes, in ALL HONESTY,
I would just make a personal (and you could do this with your husband too) commitment to learn more about the things that you wonder about in yourself.

For example, the kid thing. What is it about having kids that DOES interest you. What is it that DOES NOT interest you. What about it makes you think "God I NEVER want to deal with that.".

Just sit down in the tub (my husband and I have taken to doing this don't know exactly why-but I sit with my back to him between his legs, lean my head back on his chest and we talk. It seems to be less... intimidating for lack of a better word and we tend to be more open) and start thinking out loud.

Maybe see if you can think up 30 good things and 30 bad things about it (each). That will give you "ammunition" with yourself to start considering.

Don't worry about "mono/poly". You don't "have someone waiting in the wings" who you already know one or the other of you is already ALSO madly in love with.

Start thinking about this... you say you are missing something in your life, you feel like there is SOME part that isn't quite right. GREAT-that for sure means you aren't dead! Seriously-it means you still have something to learn, to experience. That's awesome. SO-create a "bucket list" (another great thing to do together).

What are some things (no matter HOW outrageous) that you would like to do before you die? If you need ideas, check out this thread...

http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showt...ht=bucket+list

It's a list of bucketlist items a bunch of posters submitted.


This will give you more ammunition in your fight to "find out what it is you are missing". Ideas for you to peruse in your mind (little reading too).

Like I said before, what you may need is more DEEPER and meaningful relationships. MANY people do-but never know it. That may or may not include sexual things, but you don't need to define that yet, you don't yet know what you are looking for!

Take your time, work together, figure out what the REAL bottom things are that you need AND WANT in life. Because even if you ARE poly and DO need a polyamorous life-you'll need to do this stuff ANYWAY because it's the key to healthy full relationships.
Mono relationships are hard enough, but having poly relationships without doing your "dirt work" is like tossing a grenade in your oven when it's on.

You may actually find that if you work on this together you will both find things you never knew about yourselves that you have in common and your relationship will blossom to even greater levels of wonderment. (sounds crazy and flowery, but that happened with maca and I).
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