I keep thinking (while reading your posts) that maybe the issue isn't "polyamory" vs "monogomy" so much as a need to re-identify what rules make a relationship.
For instance, having close friends who fill a need...
That isn't "against the rules" of a monogomous relationship. Each friend I have fills a different role in my life. I trust Em when it comes to issues with the kids, or health, I would ask MS if it were about ADD issues, I would confide in S when it came to religious or spiritual feelings/thoughts/issues...
My husband is a CRITICAL component in my life, but even as such, he can't be EVERYTHING. He's not an "expert" in EVERYTHING.
Much as you don't expect to call on one professor about EVERY class you have (you would contact the professor of each class-as they are the expert in that topic yes?),
well likewise you can't expect one person to fill every single roll in your life either.
You sound like your MORE looking to find "permission" to have fulfilling, dynamic, close meaningful relationships to fill the different interests in your life.
That CAN be polyamorous, but it doesn't have to be per se.
Do you see what I mean?
I wonder if you really need to work on figuring out who YOU are?
See-Maca, one of the struggles he had/has sounds similar to what you are saying (if only you aren't saying it quite so point blank). He was so worried about what everyone else would think, that he created a whole life around "doing it right".
But "right" is "in the eyes of the beholder" just as beauty is. It's subjective. Depends on who you are, where you are and what the circumstances are.
Polynerdist suggested Maca read a book (which I read out of sheer curiosity and interest) called "Living Happily Ever After" by Marsha Sinetar (not a poly book, just a book). Anyway-one of the key points she makes is that in order to be TRULY happy and fulfilled in our lives we have to reach that level of maturity where we seek ourself instead of trying to hide our self behind a facade that meets someone else's standards.
The "having kids" part really got me. Who says you have to want to have kids? That is such a personal choice. My sister LOVES LOVES LOVES children, but has none of her own. I have four and she is a HUGE part of their life. She's a second mother to them (by their words). But she found the HAVING of children so disgusting and disturbing, the changes in her body (not size, but lactating and internal changes) so disturbing and upsetting, she really just doesn't want to go there. It freaks her out (no she's not a "young-un, she's 34).
Is there anything wrong with that choice? HELL NO. She's a WONDERFUL "mother" to my children, it makes her happy, it makes them happy and it makes the world a better place for all of that happiness.
You sounds so confused about what YOU want vs what you think you SHOULD want.
This is your ONLY LIFE. You're an adult now, it's time to figure out who you want to be instead of focusing on what someone else might prefer you to be.
You don't want your headstone to say "here lies a person who fulfilled all of someone else's dreams."
You know what I mean?