Originally Posted by nycindie
Yes, and he explicitly stated many times that if you were to develop a romantic relationships with any other men after him, that he would start to lose his connection to you. But you pursued Brad and then were surprised that Mono sought solace elsewhere.
We've pointed that out to you before, and you said you forgot about that, even though I remember him getting into arguments with people about it here.
But whatever. I think that the most amazing thing is that Mono, instead of pulling away completely from you, chose to see if poly will work for him, so he can have both you AND someone else. Howling cool is that! I still don't understand why iyou're noit happy about that and are choosing to be all upset and brokenhearted.
I still also don't understand why you broke it off with Brad and Derby. Is there something we are all missing in the story? Your reaction is so far from what any of us would expect, I think it is throwing many of us off and I really don't know if it's better to console you, assure you, or pinch you. It really seems to be a case of, as Cleo called it in her blog about what she was going through, having a "false sense of power."
What does PN say about your sudden shift in mood and attitude? Is he worried about you? Have you talked about all this with him in detail?
It's been pointed out to me before that Mono said he would not be okay with me dating another guy. I pushed that. I guess because I had in the back of my mind that I needed to ride the thing through and then be available monogamously. I did. I am. He's not there with me on that page now. My bad. I fucked it up. Now he says he never could be with me unless PN is with me and that was how it was for him all along.
How can I be cool with Mono seeing someone else when I am ready to try out monogamy and he isn't. Where should I conjure that up from. I'm trying. I recite in my head everything I know about poly and am still here in this with him. Is that not enough? I'm here. I haven't left.
Poly as I knew it is not fitting for me anymore right now and I want to try something else. I needed a moment of my history together with Mono to just be us two and I am not getting it. I needed to heal from his actions and build our relationship up after suddenly realizing that I love him more than anyone and he was looking elsewhere. I didn't get that either. I am not getting what works for me and ya, that sounds controlling but when everything your body and gut says to you is NOOOOOOO! What else can I do but wait, recite poly theory in my head, breath, try not to become so disconnected I leave and wait some more. That is not controlling. That is allowing him to control. I don't talk about it. I give him his space. I don't approach her. I am in control of nothing here. It's all how they want it to be. It's all how everyone wants it to be. I have given up a lot of it and in doing so am trying not to give up and start again. I have a good home life and a chance at good friends. I can see that and its worth it for that.
I don't expect anyone to get it. I don't get it. Telling myself to buck up and realize he loves me anyway only goes so far. I am not hearing much about all that from him in the form of reassurance because he doesn't want me to think I should rely on him to be there. He has his life to live and I am just a part of that. I don't mean as much to him as he does to me. That has become evident. That is my heart break. I feel as if I caused that as much as he feels he never would commit just to me due to his past. He's got to play this out now and he intends to. I will wait as long as I can.
I am still seeing Brad. He wants that. I want that too but I don't know where it's going. I want something different than he does also. I talk to PN but it upsets him so I try to keep it to basics and when there is news.