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Old 01-25-2010, 11:27 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305

Originally Posted by Phantessa View Post
You're right, I really do need to sit down and really think about these questions, and then with him. I would say I'm just on the surface of these thoughts and have been for awhile, because of my own fears of the possible changes if I really do go there. Last year I just told myself, "Well, I'm having enough trouble with one relationship so I certainty couldn't handle another." Although, true to an extent it allowed me to push these thoughts to the back of my mind without really exploring them. I will try to push further with these questions, but part of me isn't quite ready to fully dive into this yet and I recognize that too. I wish it was as clear cut for me as it was for you early on.
I can't help you with early thoughts. I didn't want poly. My experiences with poly people from a monogamous standpoint were mostly negative for probably about 15 years. A couple of years ago my husband and I started getting very close with a married couple who were friends of ours. Things got closer and closer and more intimate until one night the wife said, "I want to see you people when you're old." Whether it was as friends or lovers was up to us--up to me, really, my husband stating that he would not be polyamorous without me. I was scared, confused, and a bad candidate for poly. I found that I loved them and wanted an intimate relationship with them. So we went ahead with it, and we've had a fairly rough time because none of us knew what we were doing, especially me. I could write a book on what NOT to do, though!

I'm a little worried that you might be looking for another relationship because your marriage isn't working, just because of some of the things you said. You definitely need to be clear before you move on. Also, if you intend to keep your current relationship, I **highly** recommend that it be stable and everyone comfortable before you do **anything** else. We found cracks in our marriages that we didn't even suspect were there after stepping into polyamory. Of course, the up side is that poly teaches you methods of communicating and looking at yourself that are highly beneficial to any marriage, or even any individual who's interested in self-growth.
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