Originally Posted by Phantessa
Hey all. I'm trying to figure out where I am and really what I want.
Welcome to the club! If ever you feel like you've got it all figured out, I'd be very surprised!
If people don't mind sharing some of their early thoughts and debates when they began to wonder if polyamory was right for them. I'm especially interested in talking to people who were in long term relationships when they learned about polyamory and how you felt and reacted initially.
That would be me, I guess.
I have known that I "wasn't like the other children" since I was a teenager. Trying to explain to my girlfriend that yes, I had this very good female friend and yes we would cuddle and kiss, but that was all, and yes, I cared for her and that this was perfectly normal... well, let's just say that it didn't go over very convincingly...
I struggled for many, many years trying to reconcile what I felt with the idea of being monogamous - you know the stunning wife, 2.3 kids, dogs, living in a nice cottage in England somewhere..... that was what was expected of me - hell, that's what I expected of myself. But I didn't feel it. Skip years forward and I had all sorts of eye-opening experiences on the relationship front, both personally and witnessing things with my friends. I became very disillusioned with a whole bunch of things, and turned some of it on myself.
I did some foolish things in what was pretty much self-loathing - self-destructive things (like job, relationships). Discovering the word was the keystone for me that opened up doors. It was found by my partner (who is still my partner, over 15 years later!), and it made me realise that maybe this wasn't me bring "wrong", and that maybe, just maybe, I might have found something that I could feel was me. I had to make some pretty hard decisions about the fact that I wasn't going to be conforming to anybody else's norms any more, and we had to spend a lot of time repairing the damage that I had done to our relationship.
But we have come through, due in great part to the commitment that we both feel towards each other and our relationship.
So I never really sat down to work out if it was "right for me", it was more a "Heck, so THAT'S what I've been feeling all these years! Can we really make this work?"