Originally Posted by franchescasc
The biggest thing I've learned through all of this-is to pinpoint the source of discomfort and jealousy. Have your wife ask herself WHY she's uncomfortable to be in a relationship past a certain point without your involvement. There's always a root to discomfort and jealousy....and the biggest gift of polyamory for me has been digging deep to pinpoint these within myself and work on them. For example, I was uncomfortable with FJ & MD spending time alone together. For me, it was because I was scared MD would not be interested in me any more. I was scared they would develop a strong bond, and she wouldn't feel the same for me. Honestly, I still struggle with this. I have been able to ask for reassurances from her, and she has given them to me. But ultimately, I am only responsible for my own happiness and reactions. Anyways....I'm starting to ramble but you get the idea. Discomfort has a reason. Instead of eliminating what is making you uncomfortable-figure out the WHY and deal with THAT. It works better than having someone change their behavior to suit you.
This is a good article: http://www.xeromag.com/fvpolyrefrigerator.html
Yeah, got plenty to sit down and talk about when she's less busy, this would admittedly be one of those things. Will probably go over the article at the same time, thanks!
Originally Posted by lili
My only real advice for OP is:
-feel really confident that you can be honest and communicative with your partner before diving into this.
-just state what to want to potential partners up front. Get used to rejection, as this style of relationship isn't palatable to everyone.
-it helps to acknowledge the pressure being put on any unicorn you court, but still stick firm to what you want
-it really helps that you can spell. Most of the unicorn hunting messages I get on okcupid are unintelligible, so you're already ahead of the game.
-You might want to get your training wheels at a swingers party. Ever thought about that? Those things are usually full of willing unicorns, some open to the idea of poly
-A triad I knew just up and started bringing their third to family functions and acted like it was normal. They didn't come out though. Shrug. If her family is super liberal, I would honestly just give them a chance. Poly is coming into the media a lot more now, becoming normalized, and it gets a lot of positive coverage.
-for god's sake, don't use craigslist
I think I forgot to say: thanks! I'm perfectly willing to use craigslist if you pay me a significant amount beforehand. But, seriously, I do appreciate the suggestions.
Originally Posted by Natja
Oh I wish I could explain to you how very, very egalitarian we were. Genuinely. But as I said, with the greatest amount of education, good will, communication et al. It still can develop into a hellish world of helldom house in hell land.
Three heads will never function the same as two. It just won't.
Unfortunately this seems one of those things that threatens to be unavoidable. I'm not sure. The risk doesn't phase me as much as it likely should, it's that kind of ignorance you can only enjoy with a lack of experience, but knowing it exists is worth something.
Originally Posted by BoringGuy
I just got reminded of this "proverb":
"To really be safe, always carry a bomb on the airplane. The chances of there being one bomb are pretty small, but the chances of two bombs are minuscule. So, by carrying a bomb on the plane with you, the odds of being blown up or taken hostage are astronomically reduced."
It's like a corollary or something when applied to relationships:
"The chances of finding a partner who is compatible with ONE of you is pretty small; but the chances of finding a partner who is compatible with BOTH of you is almost minuscule. So, by carrying the expectation that this will be an "equal triad", the odds of having that actually HAPPEN are astronomically reduced."
I hope you liked that broken-record, too.
I'll take your advice only if I can tell the TSA you told me to do it.