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Old 06-13-2013, 04:23 PM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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First of all, you say you desire a closed triad. Do you expect that the bisexual woman you target for your triad will have to be exclusive with you from the start? This is always one of the main sticking points for me with unicorn hunters. In any mono dating situation, exclusivity is not expected from the get-go. There always a period of going out together and getting to know one another before saying, "let's be exclusive." And many relationships end without ever becoming exclusive. Agreeing to exclusivity is almost always a BIG STEP to take in any relationship.

In addition, what if you meet someone who is pretty fucking fantastic and open to the idea of being with both you and your wife, but she is also currently dating other people, testing the waters herself, and doesn't want to be exclusive right away? Maybe even wants to wait six months or more before making an exclusive commitment to anyone? Or what if you meet someone who hits it off with both of you really well and she is also married? Reject that possibility? You only want someone who will eventually move in with you, fuck both of you, and share in the housekeeping? There has to be committed exclusive partnership with both of you and the goal of forever before you will consider dating anyone?

Also, I have learned that different people have different definitions of what "dating" actually is and what they want to get out of it. Are you and your wife clear and in agreement about your definitions? Not just on "dating," but also on the words relationship, romance, love, commitment, etc.?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Root View Post
Both of us like our relationship as it is.
Well, that's nice, but a word of caution: don't get too attached to the idea that your relationship with your wife will stay the way it is if either or both of you become involved with someone else! It will change dramatically! This is another ridiculous fantasy many unicorn hunters like to entertain - that the relationship of the existing couple will not change even when they've "added in" someone else. Think about it - how could the dynamics between you two not change? It's not like adding a handbag to an outfit. There would be another human being, with their own personality, baggage, desires, wants, needs, and quirks, intimately involved with each of you, and both of you. NOTHING will ever be the same!

And since you do like your relationship the way it is, why change it up and seek an additional partner?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Root View Post
Part of the issue is that my wife says she's uncomfortable taking a relationship beyond a certain point without my involvement . . .
This is a very telling piece of information that really makes a statement. You've said that wanting a close relationship of three is "how you roll," but this reveals a deeper motivation on your part - protecting your wife. Would you ease up on your stance that that is "how you roll" if she were quite comfortable with the idea of being involved separately with someone? Why is she uncomfortable? Is it about feeling disloyal, for example? You two are really not ready for polyamory, or perhaps any kind of non-monogamy, if one of you cannot feel comfortable engaging with another person on a romantic or intimate level without the other. This is the most important issue I would explore in your discussions (or therapy) if I were you. Frankly, it isn't good enough to say, "she isn't comfortable, so we're going to work around her discomfort." The goal should be to become more self-aware and drill down to discover the insecurities and fears underneath the discomfort. This doesn't have to mean that outwardly what you shoot for would look much different, but it is better to have an understanding of what makes her so uncomfortable with that.

Listen, some people take a year or more of investigating polyamory, examining their belief systems, and confronting fears before they ever embark on opening up their relationship. Taking your time, and having a third party listen and mediate (as in therapy) is always a good idea. The best thing to do is go slowly and invest in knowing yourselves better (your inner fears, thought patterns, emotional stability, hopes, dreams, secrets) before you even consider getting involved with an additional person or persons. And if the only reading you've done on this so far has been online resources, I would also recommend books to you. Opening Up by Tristan Taormino is very good. There is a thread here of book recommendations if you do a search.



[AND by the way, let's everyone please remember and get it through your heads that "unicorn hunters" is a phrase that means a couple is looking for something mythical that doesn't exist. So, just because a bi woman is, or has been, in a triad doesn't mean she is a unicorn - to call her that doesn't make sense. If she exists, she isn't a unicorn! It isn't a triad, per se, that is mythical. The mythical creature is used to describe the unrealistic fantasies of the unicorn-hunting couple, not the relationship configuration nor the actual woman herself.]
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/

Last edited by nycindie; 06-13-2013 at 04:41 PM.
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