Where am I?
I didn't contact C for a couple of days. And I got the flu, which made everything seem so much worse, but was also good in a weird way - it made me able to really focus on myself, really look inside myself, and make decisions.
I read back through this thread. I realized that every time I was relieved and thought things would get better, it was because he said they would be. But then things didn't change (or they did, but for the worse).
I also realized that I've been unfair to him, and demanded things of him that I do (or did) not give him myself. It's true that the whole Molly / secrecy thing is a big issue. But other than that? I know he still loves me. Is it really his behavior that's causing the troubles? Is it my responses to his behavior?
There is only one thing I can change about the whole situation. And it isn't wether Molly wants to meet me. It isn't wether C makes me a priority. It's my own actions and reactions that I can control.
I sent him an email and said I want to start over, and differently. I did not really specify what would be different. I think it's up to me, mostly. I won't initiate contact so much. An email a day maybe, but not all the texting and that horrible messaging thing where you can see when someone was last online. I swear the devil invented this just to torture insecure control freaks!
We had a nice email exchange. We are spending next weekend together. Now my biggest challenge is to NOT start the cycle again.... where later tonight I will send him a text saying I love you and then will start waiting for the reply.
Trust and faith.
I know I sound like a teenager with petty relationship problems. I think maybe tis is because I never did this when I actually WAS a teenager? And I never did this with Ren. But then again I did not have to. We'd moved in together after 4 months
I did experience it a little with MrBrown. But he is SO incredibly clear about what he does and does not have to offer, that it's almost impossible to pine for him. C.'s flip flopping has made the insecure pining very easy. Not that I blame him - I think it's very possible that I chose him for this exact same reason: to experience this and to learn from it.
Anyway. I've been rehashing all of this so much I'm pretty tired of it and I'm guessing so is everyone who reads it. I hope this is truly the beginning of a new era. If not, I hope to find the strength to end it.