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Old 06-13-2013, 03:19 PM
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Root Root is offline
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Join Date: Jun 2013
Location: Deep Underground, Off the Coast of California
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
Neither. Dirtcustard thinks there are a bunch of profiles on here that are owned by Franklin Veaux. It isn't about YOU at all. If you stick around, you will notice the pattern.
Being a stupid newbie, this is one of the last guesses I would've made as to why I was being accused of being a sock. But fine, ruin my delusions of grandeur.

Quote:
Originally Posted by YouAreHere View Post
Yeesh. <brushes off dust>

To my brain, the "We're looking for..." mentality can give off a "desperate" vibe, regardless of whether it's mono or poly. "I'm looking for a GF - are you her?" is just as bad as "We're looking for a GF - are you her?"

I agree with BG's initial post in that if you find someone you want to date, cool... talk to them. Have them meet your wife. See if there's a spark. Let it happen organically.

You're excited because this is new, and it's a whole new world open to you, but looking BECAUSE you're poly really makes about as much sense as looking BECAUSE you're mono and available. People do it all the time, but it's best to find what's in front of you and enjoy the ride.
I get your first point, yeah that seems pretty creeper-y in retrospect when you put it that way.

As for having things happen organic, yeah, especially since this seems to be a pretty popular point. I feel silly but I guess it's easy to lose perspective when you're new to something. Getting hit with the same point enough helps, so thanks to everyone who made it. Was the kind of thing I was hoping to have knocked into me.

And yeah, you're definitely right on the last point. I enjoy the high of it but unfortunately there's no brakes when you want to be a little more sensible for a few minutes. Guess I need to be more aware of it.

Thank you!

Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringGuy View Post
It's like realizing you're gay or bi and being all, "I just HAVE to find a same-sex partner right NAO! Where are all the gay people? Oh, you're gay? Wanna have a relationship?"
This was also a meaningful analogy. And I did appreciate some of your other post, even if I didn't make that clear.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Too many newbies lately (not the OP, but others, maybe one reported BG's post?), wanting every post from helpful members to be couched in the sweetest candy coating. And to oh so gradually initiate them into how to healthfully and happily negotiate this or that poly outcome. Some people here prefer to speak directly. We're all busy people, some of us don't have time to make every post sound like it's shooting out of the ass of your favorite fairy godmother along with fluffy kittens and rainbows.

And yet, those same people who at first object to the directness, often then are grateful for it a few days later, after thinking on it a spell.
I reported BG's post at least a thousand times. I'm waiting to get banned for report spam, personally. More seriously, I'll try to keep that in the future when I'm responding. I think there might've been miscommunication, since I only expect fluffy kittens and rainbows.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Anyway, OP, hi.

Try to take dirtclustit with a grain of salt. He has a conspiracy theory that most people here who speak against unicorn hunters are socks of the writer Franklin Veaux.
Seems legit.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Personally, I am not a sock. I am experienced in poly, and my ex h and I started out in 1999 as dreaded unicorn hunters ourselves. It went spectacularly wrong, she loved him, not me, they were in total NRE and called themselves soulmates and I went on antidepressants for a year.

I used the dreaded veto, he and she remained friends, he and I did a year of weekly couples counseling with an alternative friendly therapist, and he did a year of individual counseling and I did 3 years. Then 7 more years of exhausting talks passed by.

Finally we broke up after 30 years together... not just b/c of poly, but he and the woman in question started living together 6 mos after he and I separated.

Needless to say, once I became single, the last thing I wanted was to ever being a unicorn or unicorn hunter again.
Ouch. I was hoping to hear about bad experiences, and this gives a lot of perspective, so thank you for rehashing that. Makes more of an impact to hear of actual events as opposed to what might happen, I guess. But, again, thanks.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Magdlyn View Post
Unicorn hunting is DANGEROUS.

Unicorns are often women with low self esteem and not much financial security, who want a Mommy and a Daddy to take care of them. Then they start feeling like 2nd class citizens, with no rights. Just a toy to spice up someone's marriage.
We kind of expected it to be somewhat risky. I guess this is another one of those things that should be obvious and just isn't when you have no experience and don't think hard enough, since I'll readily admit I wasn't thinking about the most common people you'd run into. Makes sense in hindsight.

I'm starting to understand this a lot better, so thanks for taking the time. Getting more of an idea why people warn about it, etc. and how it could be a really bad idea if done stupidly. Also getting why the whole "get into it organically" thing is pretty stellar advice.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Apparently you are another couple looking to be pat on the head and told what they want to hear.
I'm insulted you think a pat on the head is sufficient. That and candy, at the bare minimum.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dagferi View Post
Good luck in your search. My advice is this... Relationships are organic things that you can not mold into the shape you want. People are not things you share like toys. If you are looking to spice up your marriage then go shopping at the local adult store. Just because TV has romanticized poly recently doesn't mean it is so easy in real life.
I'll sound like a broken record, but I think I'm appreciating these points more and realizing what will need to change if this is going to be viable. At the risk of being defensive, neither of us were angling for a human sex toy by the time I posted. I'll admit both of us were that stupid at first, realized eventually that it was really stupid and inconsiderate. I think it was realizing that I was really that dumb that got me reading more to begin with, ditto for my wife. Anyway, I'm rambling; I do appreciate it, thank you.
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