Too many newbies lately (not the OP, but others, maybe one reported BG's post?), wanting every post from helpful members to be couched in the sweetest candy coating. And to oh so gradually initiate them into how to healthfully and happily negotiate this or that poly outcome. Some people here prefer to speak directly. We're all busy people, some of us don't have time to make every post sound like it's shooting out of the ass of your favorite fairy godmother along with fluffy kittens and rainbows.
And yet, those same people who at first object to the directness, often then are grateful for it a few days later, after thinking on it a spell.
Anyway, OP, hi.
Try to take dirtclustit with a grain of salt. He has a conspiracy theory that most people here who speak against unicorn hunters are socks of the writer Franklin Veaux.
Personally, I am not a sock. I am experienced in poly, and my ex h and I started out in 1999 as dreaded unicorn hunters ourselves. It went spectacularly wrong, she loved him, not me, they were in total NRE and called themselves soulmates and I went on antidepressants for a year.
I used the dreaded veto, he and she remained friends, he and I did a year of weekly couples counseling with an alternative friendly therapist, and he did a year of individual counseling and I did 3 years. Then 7 more years of exhausting talks passed by.
Finally we broke up after 30 years together... not just b/c of poly, but he and the woman in question started living together 6 mos after he and I separated.
Needless to say, once I became single, the last thing I wanted was to ever being a unicorn or unicorn hunter again.
Instead I dated on my own, got a gf, continued dating on my own, so did she, eventually (3 years later) I got a bf. He and she are somewhat attracted to each other, we've had a few 3somes and hung out together a lot, but it's still more of a V than a triad.
Unicorn hunting is DANGEROUS.
Unicorns are often women with low self esteem and not much financial security, who want a Mommy and a Daddy to take care of them. Then they start feeling like 2nd class citizens, with no rights. Just a toy to spice up someone's marriage.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley
me: Mags, 59, living with:
miss pixi, 37