So, to catch us up to now....
MD asked for some space and a "break" a couple of times last month. The request usually came after an intense convo where I would be pressing her to communicate her needs, etc. Here is where I admit that I did not handle this situation well at all. I freaked, I analyzed everything....and generally became a version of myself that I didn't recognize. I am a happy, confident, easy-going girl who loves life. The fear of rejection from MD sent me into this weird tailspin of constant worry, insecurity and obsession. Upon lots of reflection and soul searching I think there are 2 main reasons why I reacted badly:
1. Last time I navigated the waters of a new relationship....I was a teenager. An idealistic teenager with nothing but time. I am an adult now....needed to change my perspective.
2. MD reminds me of my mother in some ways. Given my complicated feelings about my mother, and my recent loss of her....feeling rejection from MD triggered some hardcore mommy problems.....needed to untangle those emotions from the actual situation.
What it came down to was a realization that the pressure from me to try and make MD define herself NOW in my life was unbearable and unfair. Hell, I needed a break from myself. Our relationship is just too new to be able to withstand such intense scrutiny all the time. I apologized for acting like a teenager, and communicated my new commitment to really stop analyzing every little thing and live in the moment as it came. That helped tremendously, and MD apologized for being uncool too, and we slowly started talking again.
We all three hung out on Memorial Day for the first time after the "break" and it was good but weird. I posted here that I wasn't sure if I wanted to just dive back in without some idea of what the hell was going on. I chilled out and just let it be-remember my new commitment to calm the fuck down? We all enjoyed hanging out, some minor flirting, but really just easing back into being together after a rough spot.
Since then, MD has initiated some conversations about what was bothering her, and asked me how I was feeling and they've brought us back to an easy place with each other. Her and FJ are working on developing their own dyad relationship, which I am very happy about. I let them both know that there was a lot of pressure on me to be on the same page as the two of them, and I'm just not. My relationship with FJ is familiar and comfortable, and my relationship with MD has lost some of the newness and I just need my own space to figure out what "we" are on our own.
So, FJ & MD hung out solo for a few hours last week, and they had a good time getting to know each other. There was some kissing, but again, everyone is taking the sex thing slowly for now. Reconnecting emotionally, and slowly feels really good. I feel reassured that we're trying to do this the right way, and not get swept away by NRE crazy business.
MD & I spent the weekend packing and cleaning for an upcoming move. She is moving to a larger place, about 10 minutes closer to us
So there will be room for the kids to spend the night and we can all hang more often. We are all pretty excited about it. We were exhausted, but got to snuggle and hold each other after a long day of work. Slow & steady building a relationship that isn't just hot and steamy without a foundation of love & trust.
I still struggle with feelings of insecurity about MD & I's relationship. I worry she's not physically attracted to me anymore. Just nagging in the back of my mind. But I'm just going to go with the moment, and let it naturally develop however it will.