View Single Post
Old 06-12-2013, 03:15 AM
AnnabelMore's Avatar
AnnabelMore AnnabelMore is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Dec 2010
Posts: 2,285

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
It's not so much that she'll sleep with people the second time she's met them, but that with women, this will mean unprotected sex.
I know very few women who use barriers for casual sex with other women, for the record. I'm all in favor of dental dams and gloves if that's what you need to be comfortable, but transmission rates of STIs for lesbian sex acts are, objectively, really low. It's no different than her "unprotected fingers and oral" policy with men -- roughly the same risks there. I just feel like some people think that there should be equivalent policies -- you use latex for men, so surely you should for women too -- without objectively considering that the acts involved are different.

Originally Posted by sparklepop View Post
My GFs reaction also gave me pause - she feels that this girl is more of a high-risk case than someone who, say, just has one parter who is monogamous to them.
Your gf is absolutely right. I'm surprised it would give you pause, when it just seems obvious that someone in a mono relationship, if both partners have been tested, is basically nil risk, whereas someone who's not monogamous has higher risk. And yeah, this girl, who sleeps with many people, will have higher risk than someone who only sleeps with a handful of people that they know well.

For myself, I've chosen what most would consider to be a fairly high degree of risk. I'm fluid bonded with a guy who's also fluid bonded with a full-service escort. She uses condoms for PIV/PIA with everyone but him, but engages in unprotected oral and manual sex, and he and I also both have unprotected oral and manual sex with other partners, some serious, some casual.

I spent a couple of months thinking hard about the decision to be fluid bonded with him. I did a LOT of reading about transmission rates. Basically, what I came to was very similar to what Opal laid out above.

I was terrified of the life-long, potentially deadly diseases... and yet oral transmission of those is extremely, extremely low if it's even possible, Scientists who have been studying this for decades still aren't sure if oral transmission of HIV and Hep can actually occur at all if your mouth isn't bleeding. And as for those diseases when it comes to PIV/PIA, condoms are essentially completely effective against them if you use them consistently and correctly.

I had to look at studies like that over and over before the rational part of my brain was able to overcome the scared part and say "Look, yes, there may technically be a risk for these extremely dangerous things... but it's infinitesimal. Basing any decisions on that is just silly."

That left things that were curable if you catch them early enough -- and we all get tested regularly, so no worries there -- and things that are lifelong but merely inconveniencing, such as HPV and HSV. I've already had a case of the type of HPV that causes genital warts (I was 18 at the time, had only had a handful of partners), which are easily treatable, and I've been vaccinated against the types that cause cancer.

So, in the end, it was down to just worrying about HSV. HSV can be asymptomatic and can be transmitted by contact with the skin around the genitals, meaning condoms aren't 100% against it. I'm not blase about it -- I'd really rather NOT get HSV -- but if it happens it will not be the end of my world.

I expect my partners to follow their gut, much as you describe the woman in question doing, to disclose ANY relevant information, just as you describe her doing, and to use condoms for the high risk activities, just as you describe her doing. So, would I sleep with her if I really liked her? Absolutely.

But my risk tolerance doesn't have to be your risk tolerance! If you're not comfortable with her lifestyle, you'll rest easier NOT sleeping with her. There are other fish in the sea.
Me, 30ish bi female, been doing solo poly for roughly 5 years. Gia, Clay, and Pike, my partners. Davis, ex/friend/"it's complicated." Eric, Gia's husband. Bee, Gia and Eric's toddler.
Reply With Quote