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Old 01-25-2010, 07:30 AM
quila quila is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ceoli View Post
I disagree with this assessment. First it assumes that jealousy only manifests within a monogamous relationship when a partner is falling in love with another partner. I've seen plenty of people get jealous over all sorts of things that have nothing to do with their partner falling in love with someone else. Having a jealous nature is just as stressful on a mono relationship as it is in a poly relationship because if a person's *nature* is jealous that usually means there are insecurities that haven't been dealt with. I don't know of *any* relationship that can thrive and be healthy if the dynamic is driven by the jealous nature of a partner. In both cases, each person should be making the commitment to own their jealousy and not expect their partner to change their behavior for the sake of one's insecurity.

Again, I know plenty of thriving mono relationships where they don't subscribe to the expectation that they are the center of their partner's universe. They show a good deal of independence. There are friends, family, professional commitments, and all sorts of things that get balanced with a mono relationship. A healthy and thriving relationship will usually acknowledge that and work to keep that balance.
Both very good points.

My best friend has a very jealous boyfriend, and when they started dating, she liked it because it made her feel very important to him. But as time went on, it started making her feel trapped and untrusted. Unbeknownst to him, she's actually cheated on every single other boyfriend she's ever had, so his fears aren't entirely unwarranted, whether he knows it or not. But it's not her track record that makes him be jealous, it's his possessiveness. Thank you for reminding me that this isn't justified just because they've made a commitment to monogamy.

On the second point, I hear what you're saying. I'm a full-time student and that's a huge priority in my life. While I love him dearly and would do anything for him, I have to admit that I'm selfishly at the center of my own universe (only-child-syndrome) and even though his life would have been easier if I'd been working full-time, I have my goals and I'm determined to achieve them. A lot of what my husband does, he does for me: He's finally found a job that he truly loves which pays enough for me to go to school, but for the past year, he's been taking a lot of jobs that he didn't particularly enjoy just because they paid enough to afford my education. He also has a daughter with whom he tries to spend as much time as possible, but it's difficult since she lives 90min away. So neither of us is completely at the center of each other's universes...

Thank you for your insight!
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