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Old 06-11-2013, 03:32 PM
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Magdlyn Magdlyn is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Metro West Massachusetts
Posts: 6,555

Originally Posted by finallyhome View Post
I have been involved in a triad for over a year. I have some questions and issues. My "girlfriend" and "boyfriend" have been married for 15 years. She insists on one-one sex with the husband however, believes it is not allowed for me. I feel very left out as a result. I am not asking to replace her after a years shouldn't she realize this? I mean I have needs to be met as well. I mean our time with all 3 together is amazing. But I sometimes would like some one- one time with him to reassure myself that I am more than an additional toy for that part of their marriage. Does this seem wrong or unfair?
NO, it does not seem unfair. In healthy triads there is space made for all the dyads.

Husband and wife
Husband and gf
Wife and gf

Do you not also want one on one time with the wife? There's the big question. Is there so much jealousy between you two, but no romantic or sexual desire? Then it's not really a triad.

I know at one point she felt like I was trying to replace her so I think to get over that she has set this line in the sand. So I feel like I am just an object not a partner in the relationship. He wants to have a one-one relationship with both of us. I also have that I will always be second best feeling alot to the point I have considered ending the relationship but I truly love them both so very much! I am willing to suffer thru the feelings and push them aside not to hurt either of them. I know they care/ love me in return I am just not sure it is in the same way I do them
This is so common when a couple catches a unicorn. No, you have rights and just need to put your needs and desires on the table. How can you live like that, feeling like a 2nd class citizen?

Why don't you move out and just date the husband one on one from the comfort of your own territory? Or something! Make a move.


From the article

I have the right to be not just tolerated, but actively wanted by everyone in the primary relationship. I have the right to feel that I am not a problem or a compromise, but that I add value. This may sound unreasonable to some people, but the fact is, if I'm not wanted by my partner's partner, that has an effect on me.

When I am in a relationship with one person, I am in a relationship with all the other people that person is involved with, especially the primary partner(s)--even if there is no romantic connection between us! If I am resented in any way by them, that resentment serves to undermine the secondary relationship and keep it from being 'real'. It creeps into the rules that are created and the definitions that are set in place.

When one partner has problems with a poly relationship, it can tend to negatively affect a secondary partner, creating unhappiness for everyone. Compassion demands that everyone involved work to resolve any resentment that may exist on the part of any of the members of a primary relationship toward the secondary relationship.
Love withers under constraint; its very essence is liberty. It is compatible neither with envy, jealousy or fear. It is there most pure, perfect and unlimited when its votaries live in confidence, equality and unreserve. -- Shelley

Mags (poly, F, 62)
Pixi (poly, F, 40) my partner since January 2009
Master, (mono, M, 36), Pixi's Dom/bf since April 2013

Last edited by Magdlyn; 06-11-2013 at 03:39 PM.
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