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Old 06-11-2013, 07:52 AM
Cleo Cleo is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: Europe
Posts: 483

C wrote me a message telling me Molly does not want to meet me.

I then wrote him an email telling him that I'm sorry about that, but that it's her decision, and that the real issue is between me and him. That I feel unseen and neglected. That I was hoping for his relationship to develop, to become stronger and more important and more integrated in each others lives, and instead it's diminishing.

We then had one of those long and difficult phone conversations where a lot is said and basically nothing is said. He gets very defensive, and has a hard time listening to waht I really say. Example: When I told him it had hurt me when he had said that he thought of displaying a picture of me but did not do it because then Molly would see it, he got very defensive and angry and said It's my house! Surely I can decide what pictures I display or not?

sigh. Isn't that a textbook example of failed communication .....

Anyway. I left after the phone conversation (which left things pretty much unresolved) for an evening with MrBrown. Talked to him abut my issues with my dad's illness, family troubles, and C. It is always sooooo wonderful to talk to him - he believes in my strength, he believes in my power to handle things, and he is brutally honest. It was good to talk about C because it made me realize a couple of things about my own responsibility with regards to the things that went wrong the last couple of months.

I think it is no coincedence that I started dating C when my hurt and sadness about Ren seriously dating a woman I did not like and trust (and suffering a lot of anxiety and jealousy over that) were at an all time high.

C was hurt and broken after his very recent separation (and his divorce is still not final, and I do forget that there is a lot of pain there for him, still) and he clung to me for love and support. And I really enjoyed the fact that he was someone who needed me, only me, while I was no longer the ony woman in Ren's life.

I know, not very advanced poly

At the same time his neediness bothered me. So it was complicated, but I felt in control, because I either enjoyed his love and attention, or took time for myself to withdraw from it.

Now HE is the one in control. And I do think he's handling it badly, and not taking are of my needs. But the fact that I am responding so strongly to it, and can't let go (which could mean two things - either break up with him, or, as Anneintherain so eloquently put it, "keep a mostly rewarding but markedly flawed in one area relationship ") does have something to do with me as well.

Anyway. I've decided to hit the pause button (MrB's words). No contact for at least a couple of days. And then see how it feels We were supposed to go away together for the weekend in two weeks. I haven't cancelled yet, but I did check the cancellation policy.

I think the only chance we have is to start over. Which means to me: much less daily communication about trivial stuff, no more sleepovers at my house while Ren is there, and, for now, no sex. The sex is a big issue that we hardly talk about. Because of his inability to 'function' with a condom, PIV sex has been off the table since he started sleeping with Molly (and is fluid bonded with her). Which means we do other stuff, but that is not always working either, and its frustrating for me because I want him so much, I LOVE his body, and I don't know what to do, and it makes me insecure (it never made me insecure when he was just with me, but now that I know he has sex with her, it does).
Cleo - forties straight female
Ren - husband of 20 years
Bo - BF of 1+ year
Lou & Jane - Ren's girlfriends
Lin - Bo's other GF

Last edited by Cleo; 06-11-2013 at 07:54 AM.
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