Wednesday, after some ah-mazing sex, we're doing the afterglow thing, Whip and I. He rolls over, looks at me, pauses, and says "I love you'.
WHAT! HOLY CRAP! WHAT JUST HAPPENED?! OMG OMG.
I have no idea what I replied. Probably something inane like 'thank you'.
I did not tell him I loved him then. I was so startled and was not expecting that. Not at all. I think he was bummed I did not reciprocate but I was just totally unready and had no idea what to think or say or feel.
Looking back, I knew he loved me. He's very, very touchy and how he holds me is so loving. I'm used to more wordy people but now I understand how one can feel love through touch.
I thought hard about if I wanted to tell him I loved him too. I had feelings, sure, but were they love? Did I want to say that now? Was I sure? Would it be true to say I loved him? Mind was just going all squirrel...
Friday, I tell him I love him. This is not planned or carefully rehearsed on my part. It just happens. It feels right and true and what I need to do. I don't regret it.
I am trying something new for me. I am not going to overthink where this is going, or assume it has to go anywhere. I've never done that before consciously. I do have concerns about us long term - he wants children and I do not, differences in career stages - but for now, it is good and it works. I am happy. I seem to make him happy. That's more than enough.
My friends when I tell them are all so not surprised. They've been treating us as serious for some time now. Apparently I am just now catching up to what everyone has already figured out some time ago. This often happens to me.
They ask me what does this mean for us, for me? What does this change?
After some thought, this is what I replied to a friend in a chat:
'I let him in now. He's going to see all of me, including the not fun, difficult parts. I believe he wants to see me as I am. I'm in. I was holding back - not any more.'
I did not think I would fall in love again. I had such a hard time imagining that possiblity. It seemed so unlikely after the end of my marriage. Like I had one shot and I blew it, and that was it.
But I am in love, with someone so unlikely and unexpected. Maybe this isn't forever but I no longer expect that. Now and a little bit down the road, and then we'll see, is enough for me.