Originally Posted by nycindie
Hmm, well, RP, I think the idea of you being monogamous or celibate would seem pretty strange to anyone who has been reading your blog and all your posts in other threads for the past few years.
So, I am going to just come out and say something that I've tried to say before, in ways that are as nice and polite as possible, but it doesn't seem you really ever got the gist of my message, because you keep going back to this feeling devastated and wanting to escape from what is going on in your life somehow. But here it is in a nutshell: I think that all the turmoil you've been putting yourself through, including considering monogamy and celibacy, is simply about needing attention and to be in control. No judgment - it's just something you want. These are not bad things to admit to oneself. It just is. We`all want to feel special for some reason, especially if needing that special attention gives us a false sense of power and helps us cover up all our insecurities.
And now you feel like the attention you had from all your loves has wavered, and you are not in control of the situation anymore. That is probably what kills you more than anything, because it sure sounds like the people in your life still love and care about you just as much as they always did - but they just started directing more of their attention in other directions, at other people. But were they actually rejecting you? It didn't sound like it, but you made a pre-emptive strike and rejected them.
I, frankly, have been very surprised at how you reacted to the changes in the lives of the people you love and care about. They wanted to expand and you made it all about you. You now come across like an orphan who has been abandoned, someone suddenly bereft of love and kindness in your life. It just doesn't make sense to me that you can be stewing in such pain when you are surrounded by love and caring and honesty. As I've said before, your dream of a poly tribe was coming true, but you are upset because you are not at the helm. People are making choices and sometimes those choices don't include you. But you have so much, many people who love you - your life is so very rich. So, where is the self-love and strength I know you have?
I really hope you can open your eyes to to really see how much love you have in your life, and that you are the only one who is creating the hurt you feel and no one else. I truly hope you can work through this and get past it, Redpepper.
I don't actually feel like what you suggest any more. I don't want to be at the helm of anyone's life but my own. Why? Because I suck at relationships right now and I don't deserve anyone. I don't expect anything and they shouldn't expect anything from me as I have nothing to give. Just hope. Not because I feel sorry for myself but because it's the truth. I don't deserve anyone and yet people are here around me anyway with love and support. I feel as if I used people to get something from them. To boost myself up so I don't have to look after myself. It makes me feel ashamed and weak. I will be glad to change that.
Here I stand squarely looking myself in the face and owning my shit. I'm making myself do this work. I felt it coming for a long time in the form of fear of abandonment and a need to stay busy to avoid and now I'm facing it all. For the first time since LB was born (he just turned ten), I spend huge amounts of time staring into space thinking thinking thinking. Letting all the fear wash over me. Making myself be alone and living in that fear and quiet space of doing nothing. Its a meditation of sorts.
I am wondering, in my exploring monogamy, if really I only have room to take care of me and possibly one other. To be blessed with the love and undivided attention of one and to do the same towards them seems fitting to where I am at at the moment in my life. One person to think about over me. That is reasonable no? I can still be close and friends with others and just not call them partners. Still a tribe, just different expectations in the definition of the relationships. Not as much ownership and control. Backing away from the responsibilities of being constantly in demand and on call to be present in everyone's life I am close to. The change of relationship definition could be my key to successfully looking after ME first.
There is love there in how I see my tribe and those I hold close... just not romantic love. I'm okay with that. Romantic love seems to die out anyway into friendly care and comfortableness. Why call that love something it isn't. I love my chosen family and don't intend to leave them (in all honesty they may leave me first). I am trying to find new ways to be Redpepper within the tribe. What I speak of here is an option. Just one option. Isn't it best to look at all options? Right now this one is on the fore front.