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Old 01-24-2010, 09:49 PM
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CielDuMatin CielDuMatin is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: Upstate New York, USA
Posts: 1,467

Well, I am going to throw out some red flags here and discuss what I see. Some of this may sound harsh, but if 20 people have already told you stuff and you need further advice, maybe it needs to be direct....

Originally Posted by textkestrel View Post
I've know that I'm poly for over 9 years now. I foolishly got married and had a family thinking that my mono partner would eventually be open to allowing me to express my poly feelings.
Red Flag here - you entered into the relationship kind of knowing that this wasn't what you wanted but expecting your partner to change for you to give what you want. In other words, she'd be perfect if only she'd change.

After suppressing my emotions for the past 9 years during our relationship I've finally separated from her and am living on my own now. Finally able to venture out and experience what life has to offer I find myself involved with another mono partner
Red flag - in other words you were suppressing yourself for 9 years, manage to get out of it, and then get back into a setup that is almost the same, and expecting the result to be different in some way this time around.

who is very jealous and possessive and not okay with my polyness.
Red flag - so you knew going in that she wouldn't accept this aspect of yourself but you entered into it anyway. Why?

I've been upfront with her from the start about my poly feelings.
OK... and? Sounds like she was pretty upfront about her not being ok with it, but you ignored that and entered into a relationship with her.

She has a boyfriend who doesn't know that she is seeing me.
BIG Red flag here - so she is lying to the boyfriend. Wait, you said she wasn't ok with poly? Why is she dating you and him at the same time, then?

She is not being exclusive to me but demands that I be exclusive to her.
Red flag, of course - what justification does she give for this? She is mono, dating two people and isn't ok with you being poly. You are poly, but she insists on your being monogamous with her. This make no sense to me whatsoever.

On an intellectual level I completely agree, but my feelings for her are keeping me in this relationship even though I know it's not going to last very long or I am going to be stuck in another mono relationship and be miserable with myself.
So you are willingly choosing to stay in this relationship knowing that your fundamental relationship styles are polar opposites, and knowing that you are going to be miserable. Why? Is your need to be with someone so important to you that you are willing to completely ignore one of your bottom lines when it comes to relationships? Either your polyness is a non-negotiable in any relationship (in which case you shouldn't even be thinking about having a relationship with this person), or it isn't, in which case accept that you're not going to get it, and enter into the relationship with less of an attitude that you are going to be miserable.

I've started to become involved with another woman whom she hates and I get a lot of drama from her when I hang out with the other woman.
Red Flag - are you surprised? She communicated with you that she expects you to be exclusive (for whatever reason) and you go against that. She laid out what she needs from you in a relationship and you ignored that and went ahead and did the opposite anyway.

I wish that I could just wave a magic wand and everything would work out.
Welcome to reality. I searched for magic wands for years in my own relationship and realised that there really aren't any.

But right now I could really just use some good advice from the mono/poly folks out there....
David, here's the best advice I can give:
You need to work out what is really important for you in life. Some people call it their "bottom line", others call it their needs. If you are someone who enjoys making lists or bullet items, then I could recommend a technique I have used before to sort things through - I wrote about it on my blog so please forgive me for not rehashing it here, I will just provide a link: Getting Your Priorities Straight

Understand what is really, really important to you - whatever that is. Really know that about yourself. Then don't enter into relationships that don't respect that bottom line. Don't expect others to change for you, and don't get into relationships that expect you to change your bottom line for them.

It is as simple and as complicated as that.

I hope you found some use out of this. I wish you luck on your journey.

"Listen, or your tongue will make you deaf." - Native American Proverb

Last edited by CielDuMatin; 01-24-2010 at 09:56 PM.
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