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Old 06-10-2013, 04:11 AM
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nycindie nycindie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
He thought it strange to be entertaining the thought of monogamy with someone under my circumstance.
Hmm, well, RP, I think the idea of you being monogamous or celibate would seem pretty strange to anyone who has been reading your blog and all your posts in other threads for the past few years.

So, I am going to just come out and say something that I've tried to say before, in ways that are as nice and polite as possible, but it doesn't seem you really ever got the gist of my message, because you keep going back to this feeling devastated and wanting to escape from what is going on in your life somehow. But here it is in a nutshell: I think that all the turmoil you've been putting yourself through, including considering monogamy and celibacy, is simply about needing attention and to be in control. No judgment - it's just something you want. These are not bad things to admit to oneself. It just is. We`all want to feel special for some reason, especially if needing that special attention gives us a false sense of power and helps us cover up all our insecurities.

And now you feel like the attention you had from all your loves has wavered, and you are not in control of the situation anymore. That is probably what kills you more than anything, because it sure sounds like the people in your life still love and care about you just as much as they always did - but they just started directing more of their attention in other directions, at other people. But were they actually rejecting you? It didn't sound like it, but you made a pre-emptive strike and rejected them.

I, frankly, have been very surprised at how you reacted to the changes in the lives of the people you love and care about. They wanted to expand and you made it all about you. You now come across like an orphan who has been abandoned, someone suddenly bereft of love and kindness in your life. It just doesn't make sense to me that you can be stewing in such pain when you are surrounded by love and caring and honesty. As I've said before, your dream of a poly tribe was coming true, but you are upset because you are not at the helm. People are making choices and sometimes those choices don't include you. But you have so much, many people who love you - your life is so very rich. So, where is the self-love and strength I know you have?

I really hope you can open your eyes to to really see how much love you have in your life, and that you are the only one who is creating the hurt you feel and no one else. I truly hope you can work through this and get past it, Redpepper.
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An excellent blog post on hierarchy in polyamory:
solopoly.net/2014/10/31/why-im-not-a-secondary-partner-the-short-version/
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