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Old 06-09-2013, 12:27 AM
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fuchka fuchka is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
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I haven't posted here for a goodly while. Being long-distance from all my current lovers definitely changes the pace of things, eh!

I've been keeping busy and well. Have to move out from where I'm staying at the moment, so urgent flat hunting has taken up a bit of my time recently. Going to visit a house today that I hope will be it. It's a share house with folks who sound like just my kind of people (big cookups, music, gardening, fostering native animals, etc!) so here's hoping.

Djuna and I have made plans to meet in August to go camping (she'll come meet me here) which is quite lovely. The last time I saw her was when I was visiting there, near the start of the year. She's quite experienced with hiking, camping and outdoorsy things. While I enjoy that, I haven't actually done too much so I'm keen to skill up. And also looking forward to making some noise in nature doin what comes naturally She's a loud one <3

Ocean being here was very very good. He said he left much happier than he arrived... I should hope so! I loved that he stayed for six nights; I can't remember the last time we've spent so many consecutive nights together. Twas quite healing, reassuring, pleasant. His relationship with Menrva has evened out into something that's more manageable for him, and I'm glad things are feeling better for him in that aspect.

His parents are visiting him in a couple of weeks, and I'm going down to see them too. Depending on how things go (i.e. their mood, etc) he might be telling them about our open relationship! We chatted about that possibility, when he was here. It's tricky - we really can't predict how they will react. His ma has a tendency to take things quite hard, when she worries about something. But she's also supportive and very caring. So her response will depend on whether she sees this as trouble for us or not. His father is open-minded but he does have a concern for what his extended family think of him. So this could be uncomfortable for him. Also, his connection with Ocean is good but not wonderful... They don't share much of their deeper selves. A tension like this could make it even harder for them to connect.

That said, Ocean does want to tell them at some point when it seems okay to do so. It's just a question of timing, if now is best or he feels it's better to wait. He's planning on introducing them to Menrva in any case, whether as a lover or a friend.

One other serious thing we talked about when Ocean was here, was babies. Up to now, it's been up in the air as to whether Ocean wanted to have kids* or not. He thought he would like to, at some point, but wasn't sure about when. However, he's been thinking more recently and he feels he doesn't ever want to have kids. It didn't upset me as much as he expected it to. I was quite calm about it really. I'm more concerned that he's judging his feelings well... But if that's really how he feels, mm, it is a bit disappointing maybe? Not really. I don't know. If he was really into it, I think I would be too. But if he's not, I'm not going to pressure him.

The fear for me is that he will feel differently later, when we've already chosen other paths that are hard to turn back from.

Specifically, if I have kids with Grotto. Ocean says he's okay with that idea, but will he feel okay about the reality? What if that happens, and he suddenly finds he's not okay? I'm scared that it could change things in ways we can't know, right now. Not sure where to go from here. I asked Ocean if it might help to think about that aspect (his comfort with me having kids with someone else) a bit more, to try to sense what he might feel like. Whether he think he'd possibly feel regret around that...

I don't know accurate thinking about your possible feelings is, when you're thinking about a scenario you have not experienced, and not really anything analogous to it either. But it's the only idea I have at this point.

More to process here.

* I say "kids" but I really mean - one, or two, or whatever happens. I don't ever want to need to have kids. I don't feel like that at the moment. It'd be more about whether I'm being open to the possibility or not. Maybe trying, but not to any great extreme (timing cycles and all that). I personally wouldn't want to be trying really hard. I don't feel that drive. I know I'd feel content in my life without my own children. But I'd also love to have children and would like to be open to having children.
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