Thread: Hellllp!
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Old 06-08-2013, 03:55 AM
LadySFI LadySFI is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: United States
Posts: 49
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Hello everyone,

I would like to thank everyone for the great advice you are giving my husband. I am very glad that he decided to participate here with people who are experienced with poly.

I do support him as much as possible from a distance. I try to handle as many appointments as possible and make sure that all the accounts are up to date, investments are made and that things are taken care of as much as possible from my distance.

Although I admit I am in the midst of NRE, I offer to give him all the time I have when he is here for the weekend. He has chosen to have my bf around a bit more than I expected he would. I actually was sure to tell my bf what my schedule was this weekend and made it clear that I would be having family time.

I love my husband and this has been difficult for all of us. I hate the idea of him being alone and am doing what I can to assist him in finding a close friend and a hobby.

I agree with the co-dependency. I have been trying for years to get him to develop relationships outside of me. I was afraid this may happen to him when I left for graduate school.

Also, grad school is far from dreamy. I know that in his head I get to do what I want, when I want. However, essentially I am a slave to my advisers and do what they tell me, when they tell me. I travel a lot and work VERY long days. I know that in his head, I spend all of my time with my new bf. This is simply not true. I do get the advantage of being able to stop for lunch because he is close and see him in the late evening for the same reasons. However, for example, we spent time together today and quite a bit of it was working on presentations for an upcoming trip that I have.

I want my husband to be what makes him happy. I support him as much as possible, but we have been having issues LONG before we opened our relationship. There are things that we have been working on for years that are popping up constantly since we have been separated by distance.

It makes me sound bad that I just can't take it anymore, but this isn't something new going on in our relationship. At what point does someone stop walking on eggshells? Its been this way for a long time. We are together because I love him, but I will not tolerate repeated explosive episodes that in the past have actually occurred in front of my colleagues.

I want to help him, I want to be there, but he has to be willing to help himself before I can do anything for him. If I didn't want to be with him, I wouldn't have put up with all the other things not mentioned here that have occurred due to his PTSD and other military issues etc.

I have been with him for 13 years through highs and lows. I will continue to be with him, but cannot help him as much as I want to. I feel disabled myself in this situation. He pushes me away because of low self esteem. How other than telling him I love him and how sexy and smart and what a great husband he is can I do to assist him in making him realize how great he is?

For goodness sakes, I love him so much that I helped him set up profiles to meet someone so that he wouldn't be so lonely. He asked me last night to quit college and come home. Consider me horrible, but there is NO WAY this is going to happen. We have all sacrificed so much, I am not quitting now a year away from the finish line. If I come home without my graduate degree, we would be swamped with student loans and the whole family would suffer.

It has been unbelievably hard for me to be away from my family. I finally get to keep my son for a week (even though he has to join me when I teach this week) so that we can get some us time. I tried to set up fun things for him to do while he does not have a child to worry about. I even offered him my apartment at the beach so he can have a vacation with his girlfriend this summer!

What else can I do? Any suggestions are greatly appreciated. I am at the point I will do anything to make him happy. Even if that means not being with me (although I suspect that will not do it either). I am caught between a rock and a hard place. I could break it off with my bf right now and it wouldn't make a difference as these problems started LONG before D came around.
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LadySFI- me; Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

C-Boyfriend - Pansexual, Heteromantic, Poly. "Open, but not looking".

Courage isn't the absence of fear, but the judgement that something else is more important than fear. -Ambrose Redmoon
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