Hi, I'm new and I have quite a few questions.
I am sorry if this isn't the place for this post or you've heard all of this before. Let me know if I should post elsewhere.
So, I am married for 2 years to a wonderful man. Near the beginning of our relationship I mentioned polyamory to him and he was shocked, hurt and not willing to consider it in any way. He tried to reason with me about how completely impractical polyamory is and that it would end up tearing us apart.
At that time the relationship was still so new and exciting and I had never experienced anything like it, so I hoped that it would be enough to sustain me. Of course, I was also terrified of losing him. so we married.
About a year into the marriage I started to get the itch so strongly again and I brought polyamory up to him again. This time I insisted that monogamy is probably as unrealistic as polyamory is, and that wanting to share myself with others is always going to be a desire of mine.
I could see how much just discussing it hurt him. It is simply not in his nature to be non-monogamous. He told me out of desperation that he would let me try polyamory, but I know I could not do it to him. It would slowly start to destroy him and I would rather leave and spare him the horrible pain....
ugh... this is terrible. The guilt is unbearable. But I don't know how to stop wanting this.
I honestly wish I could. I wish I could turn this desire off and not know what I am missing. Is that possible??? I know that sounds silly, but I feel my need to explore does fluctuate as my hormones do, and I do have a hormonal imbalance that causes higher than normal testosterone levels.
I'm sorry if that sounds insulting to the lifestyle. But I do wish I could just live a more conventional monogamous life. Mainly because I feel there is more potential for hurting people and complicating life with the lifestyle. I know there are also immense rewards...
Even if I decided to leave my husband and start a new life with poly partners, i don't know if I will ever have the stomach for it. I'm just very sensitive and I don't have a high tolerance for drama and all the negotiating about time spent and boundaries and all that makes me exhausted just thinking about it.
I guess what I want to know is if it's worth it? I'm sure it's different for everyone. But do you think that there is an inherent chemical and hormonal difference in poly people compared to mono people? Or is it something else and should it just be embraced at any cost?