Thread: Dispensable.
View Single Post
Old 06-07-2013, 01:24 AM
Marcus's Avatar
Marcus Marcus is offline
Senior Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Portland, OR
Posts: 1,586

Originally Posted by london View Post
I asked myself if it would be okay for a friend to feel that they are dispensable, and I truly believe the answer is no. I do think one friend has a responsibility to do what is reasonable to alleviate those fears if something they are doing is causing them to feel that way; if they care about them.
I feel you there. I've had to make this decision with a friend in the past. I likened it to my place on his priority list - it seemed like I was always on the bottom. We'd make plans, get everything set, then someone more important would call him and need him for something and he'd bail. Once or twice is one thing, but once it became a regular thing I just decided enough was enough and I stopped counting on him and including him entirely.

He asked me at one point "Hey man, what's up, seems like we're drifting apart" and I told him that I wasn't interested in making plans with someone who kept me so low on their priority list. We had a long talk and we are still acquaintances but my position on what I would consider to be his priority list has been fixed to the bottom - so I have long since considered him to be a casual acquaintance.

Note: It was never his job to determine for me what my importance level needed to be in my relationship... that was always mine. I mentioned it to him because he asked, but I didn't expect him to change his ways for my sake.

Originally Posted by london View Post
I don't think that my fears about their rocky relationship and how it might impact on me are irrational.
The fears themselves aren't irrational, in fact I would call them "clear observations" instead of "fears". However, the fact that you've identified there is an obvious problem out in front of you doesn't influence how much say you have over the situation itself.

If you're driving up on a cliff you do get to decide for yourself "Hey, that's a fucking cliff and I'm not driving off of it" or you can say "Yunno, I'm guessing that cliff has my best interests in mind and I'm going to drive off of it anyway". What you DON'T get to decide is how gravity feels about your car trying to drive straight across said cliff.

The cliff example is pretty leading but I kind of like it.

Originally Posted by london View Post
I'm just trying to decide whether it will be horribly inappropriate to say "I need you to agree to us having this set regular time together" at this stage and whether it will be worth tainting the relationship with those kind of demands, wait it out and trust that he will make sure we have regular time together or whether I should just opt out now.
Yah, those are all tough questions and the only ones you have any say over. Good for you for actually determining what kind of input you have in this situation. People generally struggle with that realization because, honestly, your actions in this scenario are limited:

1. If you dig him, make sure you say it
2. If he treats you well, enjoy it
3. If he treats you poorly, give him the deuces on your way out

Personally I'd say he needs to figure his shit out and there is not a damn thing you are going to be able to do about it. I certainly understand the URGE to do try and do something about it but that doesn't change the fact that he's got to decide what he wants to do with his relationship with you - and as a separate issue, what he wants to do with this other girl.
Me: male, 43, straight, non-hierarchical, independent
Reply With Quote