Thread: Dispensable.
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Old 06-07-2013, 12:53 AM
london london is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Marcus View Post
Which behavior? Not telling his girlfriend that he doesn't want to be monogamous?

Not that it matters, the rule of my being responsible for my own feelings is not contingent upon everyone around me behaving 'reasonably'. If that were a stipulation I would never need to take responsibility for my feelings!



I don't have any idea what you mean by this. I have 'solid friendships' with my close friends but I don't know how that would imply that they should 'grow and develop'. Can you clarify what it is that you are expecting from this friend?

What kind of friendship is it which requires that he and his girlfriend make concessions to your insecurity about your... friendship?
What I mean is that we are friends at this point, but we met on a dating site. When we first met and talked about this stuff there wasn't limitations. He didn't say 'we can only ever be "x" and nothing more because my relationship prohibits that'. If we end up staying just as friends, that's fine, but I want that to be because that's what we are compatible for, not because it's against the rules. That's something I feel I checked early on and the only rule stated about his interactions with others revolved around safer sex.

What I do know for sure is that if they closed their relationship, we wouldn't be able to see each other anymore because even though we are friends, we aren't "just friends" and I can't see how we ever would be. Anything that we have exists because they aren't monogamous. But I know she wants to be. And that makes me fearful for what we have.

After thinking about what label I would give us at this time and settling for friend, I asked myself if it would be okay for a friend to feel that they are dispensable, and I truly believe the answer is no. I do think one friend has a responsibility to do what is reasonable to alleviate those fears if something they are doing is causing them to feel that way; if they care about them. I don't think that my fears about their rocky relationship and how it might impact on me are irrational. I also know I cannot stay feeling so pathetically insecure about it all. I'm just trying to decide whether it will be horribly inappropriate to say "I need you to agree to us having this set regular time together" at this stage and whether it will be worth tainting the relationship with those kind of demands, wait it out and trust that he will make sure we have regular time together or whether I should just opt out now.
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