Thread: Dispensable.
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Old 06-06-2013, 10:26 PM
london london is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
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Have you told him that you are fearful he will not protect your time with him?
I haven't phrased it quite like that. See, what I fear this is leading up to on end, is an ultimatum. Something I want to avoid giving at all costs. Anyway, I sort of said that I don't want to feel like a backup for when his girlfriend is unavailable.

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Has he taken away that time before?
No. See the reason I haven't been more direct in my approach with him is because I think it sparks discussions that unintentionally force us into conversations we wouldn't ideally be having at this stage of our bonding. We should be chilling, going with the flow. Anyway, to answer your question, we have always seen each other at weekends, that's when i am free, and now it feels like he checks with her first to see if they have plans and then will say yes or no. I feel like this has only happened since she came back though I am prepared to admit it might simply feel this way because I feel insecure about being discarded or used.

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You mention you've told him your fears and concerns which is a good idea. How did he respond?
He listens, discusses everything, is forthcoming about where they are in the relationship and verbally reassures me that he is serious about non monogamy and that he absolutely doesn't want me to feel this kind of way.

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Does he do anything that makes you insecure?
Yes. But I don't think he meant it to make me feel that way. When we last saw each other, he told me that they broke up because of their incompatibility in needs regarding closing the relationship. I was genuinely disappointed that she didn't get on board. She means a lot to him and I care about him, so I wanted it to be ideal for him. That includes her. Now, that he has agreed to continue with how things were with her, it makes me feel like he is keeping a monogamous relationship with her as an option. That makes me feel insecure because it means I will be frozen out.

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Does he ignore you? Not keep his agreements, cancels dates? Things like that?
No, but then I haven't made any specific demands regarding time or anything really. Mainly because I think it's too early to do things like that but it's getting to the point where I am going to have to say that I need these set things and I need them in order for me to see proof that you care about my feelings, because this thing makes me feel really insecure but I like you too much now to walk away. I hate having to say things like this at any stage, but early on is the worst.

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Or is it the situation and your own thoughts about their situation that makes you feel insecure?
Yes, this. So many things come into this. For one, it's hard for me to trust women.I know that's terrible,but it's true, unfortunately. The other thing is that I'm terrified of getting attached to someone who either demands monogamy from me, or as in this case, on someone that I am involved with and that forces us to either sacrifice them, or having polyamorous relationships.

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Is this a momentary twinge of insecurity (happens to everyone) or an indication of deeper concerns?
I am insecure about being discarded or used. That's the crux of it. I don't think she will ever be happy with them not being monogamous and consequently, I think she will do what she can to sabotage it. I can't control their relationship though, or his decisions regarding her, what I can do is give direct demands. Things I need for me to feel less shitty. I think this may speed things up in terms of determining exactly how important my needs are but I'm really apprehensive about doing this so early on. I feel forced into it just because their relationship is so unstable. I don't know what would be reasonable. It's easier to say that when you have established romantic labels like boyfriend or husband, harder when it's this early on.
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