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Old 06-06-2013, 09:37 PM
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Vixtoria Vixtoria is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2011
Posts: 306

The problem is, if you have been long term diagnosed, you do, at some point (usually) figure out how to function. The problem being on a bad day, you can't think to do any of those things!

On god days, I multi task. I can read several books at once, I listen to music while cleaning, and cooking, and doing laundry! I do writing, I do graphics, I want to go for walks, I want to do things with people!

On normal days, it's a matter of making myself take the first step. On normal or low days it's impossible to motivate to do anything! You don't want to get out of bed, you don't want to sleep, you aren't tired, you just can't move. It's like a heavy black cloud at the back of your head, always trying to spread and take over your mind. I feel myself pulling away, getting distant. Like you are just along for the ride in your body, an observer, as things happen around you. You are aware, sure, but interact? Oh wait, did you want an answer to something?

A program I had to do at one point was to make a list. Even if it was only mental. No way I can function today. Okay, so you don't function. Fine, no one is asking you to. How about, you just get out of bed and go to the bathroom? That's all. You don't have to do anything else. Hey, now that you're out of bed, what about getting food? Just grab something to eat. That's all. No big right? Oh hey, now that you've actually eaten, no reason to get BACK in bed so why not go ahead and get dressed? You don't have to actually do any chores or go anywhere, just get dressed!

It's step by step. Don't think beyond this step or it will be overwhelming. Some days you can get a lot done like that! Some days you don't get past eating. On a good day I love a long hot bubble bath! On a bad day just the idea of getting into a bath or a shower turns me off. It's a change, it's a shock to the system, the water, the colder or warmer. The soap, I just can't. So you don't.

Having someone around that understands and can help without being controlling, which makes you feel like crying! Or too peppy, which again makes you feel worse. Just a simple, Hey, you said you wanted a shower or bath yesterday, you didn't take one. You haven't today either. Tell you what, I will run the hot bath FOR you okay? Nope, nothing else you need to do tonight, I'll run the bath, can get you your favorite fluffy towel, got a hot water bottle in bed for you so you can just go straight to bed after if you want!

My brain literally freezes. It is so very much in the NOW that I hear what you say, and the word itself is almost visible in my brain, but the meaning, not quite there, and I certainly am not invested enough to think that the word has any meaning. I'm nodding, and asking obvious questions, or to repeat because it's gone as soon as it's said.

It has been, literally, a constant struggle. To know that every single day it is anywhere from twice as hard to ten times as hard for me to do even the simplest things that for everyone else, is just normal and easy and done without thought. Some days, knowing that it's that hard, that it will never get easier is too much. Just for now it's harder, you tell yourself, just for now, just for today, not forever. To try and get through it. But sometimes, it does feel like forever, and drugs? They work, yay! Then you build up a tolerance and a new cocktail needs to be found. So you start all over.

From the outside, people say what they think will help, but until your mind is in that place, where it's stuck, where you can't find the word you KNOW you know, when you feel like your thoughts can't possibly be expressed as well as you are capable of, you have no idea how dark it is and how that simple advice you offer is horribly out of reach and just knowing that makes you feel that much more defective.
Me: 40 pansexual poly.
DH: My husband of 21 yrs and father of 3 teen girls.
DC: LDR of +9 years/former
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