Thread: Dispensable.
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Old 06-06-2013, 08:22 PM
london london is offline
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Join Date: May 2013
Location: UK - land of the free
Posts: 1,635
Default Dispensable.

I've been seeing this guy, let's call him Frank, for a few months. I'd like to say we have developed a friendship. He has been in a relationship with Pat since August. To cut a long story short, Pat is not happy with their relationship being open. She just isn't, and in my very cynical opinion, she never will be. Frank knows this and very recently, it came to a climax and Frank told Pat that he isn't willing to close the relationship. Despite her obviously hating this, she agreed to carry on with the relationship with it being open, which again, my cynical opinion says is because she, like lots of people, would rather be unhappy with someone than be alone. Just for extra information, I always knew that she had struggled with this from the time I met him and since this,i have decided not to get involved with anything like it again. Simply because I'm used to feeling secure and I don't in this situation. I feel like I could be cut at any time. When we first met, she was travelling and he went out to see her for a few weeks before he returned and she returned a month later. Pat knew from the very start that Frank was not interested in a monogamous relationship. She used to say on her profile that she is in a relationship with Frank, but removed all information about him and polyamory from her profile in March or possibly, early April, before he went on his planned trip out there. This also greatly concerns me.

My insecurity shows because whereas before she was back, if he wasn't free to meet, it would be fine. He saw other people and it isn't any big deal. Now, it feels like we will hardly get to see one another because the time we did see each other, the only time we can see each other is on weekends and I feel like we will only see each other on the weekends that she doesn't require his company. I know that's on him. I feel like he won't protect "our time", and I know he knows that is the right thing to do, really, but this relationship will make it impossible for him to do that.

I know this might sound like I want him to be mine, or my primary, at least. It isn't about that, it's just that I want to feel valued too. The truth is, this weekend for example, I don't even know for sure that he will be with her, but because I'm insecure about this whole thing, I'm making that assumption. I know they are together today and probably other days this week and I feel like she will continually book up his time knowing that it's a way if controlling the emotional attachments he can form outside of them.

We talk, we talk a lot and I've told him my fears about their relationship being so rocky and the fact that I really don't think it's healthy for someone to be in a non monogamous relationship when they obviously hate it. The latest update that I've had is that they've decided to stay together, she doesn't know if she can cope with it long term, but if she wants to close it and him keep it open, then they will part as friends. Normally, that would console me, but because I'm in this state of mind, my first thought was "so there is a possibility of you wanting to close it?". I guess I wanted to hear that he said that he would never have a closed relationship, so I could feel safe.

I really like this guy, and even if we stay as we are, friends and have the great sex that we do, I'll be happy. He had been positive in my life and I know the more we share, more positive things will come out of what we have. But I hate feeling so dispensable to someone who I like and care about but nor do I want to end things. Not unless it seems absolutely pointless. I hate feeling like this though and I hate feeling like I'm doing all the things she does by being insecure, clingy and pressuring him to make some sort of promises.

I really don't want to give up on him but I can't stay feeling so shitty. I have no idea how she stays in a relationship, proper boyfriend/girlfriend relationship, and accepts feeling so crappy everyday.

What I guess I want is things that I can ask him to do to make me feel that he does value me and I'm not dispensable because if I'm going to carry on with this, I can't stay this insecure. I just can't. Any suggestions of concise steps he could take to show (her as well as me) that I matter, or even that the other people he sees, whoever they are, matter? If he chooses not to take them, at least then I know my feelings are not important and I can move on. He is so willing to talk and reassure me verbally, that I do believe that they are but then other things counteract that, somewhat, and I'm left feeling confused.

Last edited by london; 06-07-2013 at 01:10 AM. Reason: errors
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