View Single Post
  #27  
Old 06-06-2013, 03:01 AM
Dirtclustit Dirtclustit is offline
Banned
 
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Middle of Oregon
Posts: 431
Default The worst plan is to believe what others say

will automatically work for you. If you feel you need guidance, it may be better to meet with people in real life as it is much easier to know whether the advice givers have as much experience in their seemingly knowledgeable words.

The only thing you can tell for sure online, if that they have spent a lot of time posting about polyamory.

It really doesn't matter what you call whatever flavor of non-monogamy you explore. There has been an explosion of sorts in occurrences within the last five or so years of non-underground discussions of the many different ways to practice non-monogamy.

Boards like this are great to get others perspectives, but when you start believing that you must do this or have to do that will only serve to implant a false set of beliefs that may or may not prove harmful.

If you are going to take any advice to heart, you should know that honesty really is the best policy, but it can actually work against you if not everyone you are involved with behaves the same way.

The honor system can be devastating when it is taken advantage of by dishonorable behavior (which may even be unintentional, but still just as devastating). Being involved with the right people is fairly important. As it can make or break your experience.

The other good advice, is to be cautious, when married couples "open" up their relationships, non-monogamy typically makes or breaks it. So just know that it shouldn't be entered lightly as people are only able to figure out how to "sail the non-monogamous waters" successfully the second time around. By that I mean many couples end up doing irreparable damage to their existing relationships. Few previously monogamous couples end up staying together as the little mishaps can be impossible to just "get over it" and staying together ends up more like a roommates living situation as opposed to marriage. But there too, it depends on what the relationship word "marriage" means to you. Some people can only stay together when the marriage is more like a business partnership, and some need need for their spouse to be more intimate than that. It isn't all that rare that for two couples to literally swap wives, permanently and continue along in poly or whatever term you call your non-monogamous practice

Not to discount some of the others advice, but you don't need to play by their rules unless you are involved with polyamorously involved in real life with them.

Those who understand how difficult of a transition mono to poly can be, will understand and be patient with you. I should throw in the disclaimor that for all the relationships that introducing non-monogamy wrecked, I am of the opinion there were reasons that could have been avoided.

In general it's because they were practicing non-monogamy in a way that doesn't work for them. Anyway that doesn't work for all involved parties, is the wrong way, and whatever way works for you and all parties involved is the right way.

the same goes with the people who are the said involved parties. The wrong people won't work in life no matter what you do or how much you change your perspective. Some people are compatible when anybody and they can make it work or at least fool themselves into believing it is working out OK, while others have spent years in poly hell, until they met the right people, but will tell you they wouldn't be non-monogamous today if it weren't for so and so being a party involved with or a supporting member of their relationships.

I once heard someone describe it as your relationship being a glass or ceramic plate that will get shattered. You want to make sure you are with people who will be patient enough to help you pick up all the pieces and be willing to stay still long enough with you for the glue to dry.

and that takes genuine concern along with patience, some people refer to it as "Love". It isn't possible to reap the rewards if you can't be committed to stay for parts that are not fun, the parts that suck, and it is devastating with lasting effects when you find yourself doing it alone, having support really helps, and supportive people don't do things that make your life hard. Supportive people don't "teach you lessons" they are willing to walk through the hardships with you, those are the people whose advice is priceless.

Last edited by Dirtclustit; 06-06-2013 at 03:28 AM. Reason: typos and a joker mod who thinks he's funny
Reply With Quote