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Old 01-23-2010, 09:19 PM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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8. Does jealousy ever crop up in your relationship and if so, how do you deal with it? If it doesn’t, how do you think you have safeguarded yourselves against jealousy?
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> Of course it does, but jealousy isn't a relationship problem, it's our bodies way of telling us that we have a need we aren't getting fulfilled. Too often people PRESUME that it's CAUSED by another person, but that's not the way it works. We understand and accept that we will sometimes feel like we need more from one or another person in the family. When someone's feeling jealous we let the others know (so that they don't wonder what on earth is our problem-openness and honest are key) and then we work together to figure out what the underlying issue is. Then we work as a team to resolve the underlying cause of the jealousy.
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> For example, it's well understood that I have insecurities during "that time" of each month. We already know it's primarily because I feel unattractive due to my own physical discomfort caused by that time of the month. It's only going to last a short time and then I'll feel better again. It would be destructive to rearrange relationships for something so simple to fix. Our way of dealing with it is more a "drawing together" and not a "pushing away" of anyone.
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> We schedule more family time, hang out as a group, cuddle on the couch, watch movies, play games and talk. But we don't redesign all of the rules to alleviate my jealousy or insecurity, that's ridiculous. If another lover was involved, which likely will happen eventually, they too would be a part of the "circle" of friendship invited to curl up in that "cuddle pile" on the couch and watch movies if they or I or one of the guys was feeling jealous. When emotions crop up we all pull together to deal with them lovingly and supportively together, we don't try to push one person away, that never works.
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> 9. Do you think polyamory could be for everyone – or is just for some people? What do you need to make it work – e.g. honesty, reasonably thick skin, sense of humour…
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> It's NOT for everyone. Some people are simply not capable of making polyamory work and some people would never have a good reason to want to for a variety of reasons!The important thing is for people to understand that some people CAN and DO live happier, healthier lives in polyamory then they can in "mono-amory" relationships. Of my four parents (divorced and remarried) 3 are only comfortable in mono relationships, one is perfectly happy as a polyamorous woman. I have friends on both sides of the coin as well. Much like sexual preference, some people are happy ONLY heterosexual, some ONLY homosexual, some can do both.
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> Both Mono and Poly relationships require honesty, sense of humor, GOOD communication, openness to one another, loyalty, true introspective understanding of ones own self (in order to truly open and honest with your partner), patience, devotion and a commitment to continue growing. If you try to build a relationship with someone without these it lacks the luster of a GREAT relationship. Doesn't matter if you are aiming for poly, mono or just platonic friendship, these things are necessitities in all great relationships.
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> 10. What are the essential rules to a happy relationship?
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> See the above paragraph.
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> 11. Do you think polyamory is easier or harder work, emotionally, than a monogamous relationship?
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> Neither. I think that GREAT relationships are harder work than ones that just "survive". The key difference is that in a mono-amorous relationship you are putting the focus on ONE of the relationships those two people have. But even mono-amorous people have relationships of some sort outside of their marriage and every relationship regardless of romantic intentions requires effort and time and commitment in order to be great. In polyamorous relationships you are focusing on the effort people put in SEVERAL of their relationships. It would be better to compare "3 important relationships of a mono persons life and 3 important relationships in a poly persons life". THEN it would be clear that it's not HARDER-it's just that EVERY relationship requires the effort. No more, no less.
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