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Old 01-23-2010, 04:54 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305

Take this free advice for what it's worth--you must decide for yourself if it works for you.

Yes, you must work on your own insecurities. No one else can do it for you. If you are allowing your insecurities to cause you to act like a whiny, jealous oaf, then you need to take a step back. But if not, I can't see why you can't mention to her the same things you've mentioned to us--that you feel like she's withdrawing, that you feel like you need more affection. A relationship is about give and take, even and especially poly relationships. Would you want someone you love to suffer because they felt they shouldn't express their needs to you? (my husband, who is reading over my shoulder, would like me to point out that there is a book which has helped us called The Five Love Languages. The author states that people feel love in different ways and helps explain how to show love in the love language of your partner. It sounds to us like you and your girlfriend express love in different ways, and perhaps the book would help the two of you express love in ways that each of you recognize. It sounds hokey, but again, it's helped us a lot.)

You are the only one who can see inside your head and figure out what you really need. You must be the best you that you possibly can, and it's up to you to do the work. If you have done your soul-searching, and you are sure that yes, you do really need more affection, why is that a bad thing? If you talk with her, and she says, no, I can't give you that and I don't feel it's reasonable to ask, then the two of you work to find a compromise, right? I know for sure that when I feel insecure and I can't deal with it on my own, 1) talking with a partner helps me figure it out or find a solution and 2) when I don't talk it over with someone it snowballs and starts affecting everything.

If you do decide to talk with her about this, I can offer some advice. Make sure you take some time beforehand to sit down and visualize what the ideal solution would be for you. What could happen that would make you feel comforted? Actually run the scenario in your head with possible outcomes. Do you need to hold hands? Do you need a hand on your shoulder? Do you need a hug? Simplify it as much as possible. I know that I originally asked for a lot more than I actually needed. What is the absolute minimum that you need? How will it make you feel? Why? It's also important that you communicate in a non-judgemental manner and own that it's your problem and you're asking her to help you. People who love us don't mind helping, but they don't like being blamed for our problems. Use "I feel like you pull away" instead of "you pull away"--because really, sometimes the way you feel is not really the way it is.

That said, I do also recommend telling yourself things like, "She loves me" and "It will be all right". Say it every time you feel the butterflies in your stomach or see yourself in the mirror. Again, sounds hokey, but it works. Say it until you're sick of hearing it.

Last edited by Lemondrop; 01-23-2010 at 04:57 PM. Reason: Adding more words :P
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