I've known all of my life (well, as far back as I can remember) that I was attracted to women, but I've always had a preference for men. I had a 6 month relationship with a girl in high school, but in my adult life it's never been more than a few sexual encounters with a woman.
I was young and naive when I moved to California on my own at 18. I quickly met and fell in love with a man, we married 2 years later. He knew I was bisexual, but wasn't necessarily accepting. I met a woman in college and developed feelings for her.. but I refused to give into any desires and talk to him. Honesty is huge for me. I told him of my feelings, and that he knew her and she was attracted to him as well... and suggested inviting her into the relationship. He shot down the idea and said no way.
Instead, he went behind my back and cheated on me for about 6 months.. engaging in unsafe sex with strangers he met online.... and he slept with my friend I had feelings for. We divorced a year later after trying therapy. It's not the fact that he slept with other women or my friend that bothered me. It's the fact he denied what I wanted and that he couldn't be honest with me and himself about what he wanted.
That failed marriage put a lot of things in perspective for me. I was hurt and mad that he would deny me the pleasure and love I wanted, yet it was OK for him to have it for himself. I was hurt by a friend who I had feelings for (and thought vice versa) who hid this from me. I was hurt from all of the lying.
I spent the next year single, enjoying life and making friends. Through one of my new friends, I met an amazing man who I am still with 8 years later. J is my soul mate and I cannot explain how much I love him. The bond with us is incredible, but it hasn't been without it's share of problems.
I discovered early on that J was poly, though he didn't really know it. When I met him, we didn't expect to be drawn to each other like we were. It was electric. He was seeing someone else already, though it wasn't serious. She wasn't comfortable with him seeing someone else, so he cut it off as he had stronger feelings for me than her. He's not one for ultimatums.
He knew I was bi, so sometime a few months later we talked about being with another woman. He had a friend (one of his ex's) who he still flirted with and saw occasionally. She and I hit it off, and we had her over one night.. and it was so much fun. Nothing else happened after that; she started dating someone seriously.
Over the next few years, we met a few women off and on.. nothing came of it. One was close to taking it to the bedroom after a few great dates... but then we found out she wasn't into safe sex, and that she engaged in risky behavior, with no intention of stopping and didn't want to be tested. That scared us off pretty fast.
So, fast fwd to now... out of the blue I came across an ad locally (Not sure why I checked after not looking for years), and we wrote her. First started with her and I talking (I'll call her Nikki), then all of us talking, then J and Nikki talking. We all have so much in common.. in fact, J and Nikki have the same birthday. We have the same music and movie tastes. We all like video games, but she and him like the same ones that ones I don't, so that's a plus for them to have something to do and me not feel bad for not joining in. He's not as in to being active as her and I am, so on his Football Sundays her and I will be able to get out and go biking, hiking, etc.
We all are looking for a loving relationship and we talked about the possibilities of one having more feelings than the other for someone in the relationship. That's about as serious as we took it at this point until we meet and see where it goes further; if there is as strong a connection off of the internet.
It's a first for all involved. I'm doing lots of reading through different topics here. Him and I have read other resources online and I have shared things I've read here with him. Though we have hopes of something beautiful developing, we know the likelihood of it lasting is slim, so we hope to enjoy whatever it is, be it a great friendship or more as long as it lasts.
I look forward to blogging my story further
I'm glad I have a place to get away and post my thoughts and concerns amongst those who understand.