Maturation of thoughts.
This weekend was so dynamic. Had a booth at a big outdoor event for my business, so set up happened all Friday evening, wo-manned it on Saturday, and then tear down and returning everything back to one of my stores in the evening. It was a long couple of days, and I was pretty fried by the time I got home. Did yoga for about half an hour, and that helped work out all the kinks from pushing myself. Elemental made a simple dinner and set me up with back episodes of Project Runway - love that freaking show!!
Sunday was brunch with two of my closest/most dear to me girlfriends, followed by a heady day spent grooming the front garden; all of the shrubbery and plants needed taming, and it took a few hours to get everything back into order. Still had juice in me, so cleaned the garage and washed the carpets on the stairs. Damn, productive day! I was pooped again by the end of the day. I get a deep satisfaction from making time count when I am working on household projects; so many of my weekends are spent in a debaucherous haze these days that there has been a little slip on the home front. Getting on top of it all again makes me feel empowered and organized, and I have to remind myself that building happiness and great self esteem means 'cleaning one's tube' from time to time. I swear that all of those goals that we know we need to meet (ie - grooming the front garden) that get pushed back actually affect our happiness and self esteem - doing them makes me feel so happy! There are a few other projects that I'm looking forward to getting to over the next couple of weeks - some interior door jam/door paint touch ups, organizing some closets and drawers, and doing a big thrift store run with stuff that I *had* the intention of selling online, but have kind of lost momentum on.
Bought a shedload of plants at the outdoor sale I was a part of, and now need to plant them all, LOL. This week ought to give me some opportunities to de-sod my planned out beds in the back yard and start muscling new soil and plants in. I love being outside in the fresh air, muscles working hard, making things beautiful. Growing up with a British father meant that I spent hours in the garden with him every week; I was allowed to grow my own bed of flowers every year, and he taught me how to sew seeds in starter trays, transplant, and turn an idea into a beautiful reality. I would collect truckloads of leaves with him and mulch them with the lawnmower to create a fine powder that we'd cover all the beds with in the fall for winter warmth and soil quality. My gardens as an adult are never quite as ambitious, but I keep a beautiful garden just the same, and love creating a vibrant show for the neighbourhood to enjoy. The back yard has been something I have been putting off for a few years, concentrating on the front, but now with plants panting for their own spot in the sun, I know I have all the incentive I need.
TheDirector is coming out to my hood for the first time this week. I'm going to show him my businesses, take him out for dinner and have him over to the house for a cup of tea. Elemental and Copper have a date on Wednesday night that they're both really looking forward to, so I think that'll be my night with TD. I'm nervy. I have fallen in love with him - I know this feeling well - it doesn't take long for me to know if I'm going to have it bad for someone, and I can feel my heart leaping ahead like a beast on a leash. I actually had a mental meltdown about it - haven't experienced strong emotion like this since I fell in love with Elemental, and was freaking out a bit. The old forced mono mentality came up to bite me in the ass - the idea that if I liked him more I would have to choose. I expressed my fears to Elemental, and holy shit, that was an awesome conversation.
Elemental said that the feeling that I had around "having to choose" was something that I needed to work through. Push through. Let go. He said that I never needed to choose again - that I was free to love whomever I so desired, and build the kinds of relationships that work for me, knowing that I have his heart and his love unconditionally. He said that he wants me to find the most happiness and joy possible in this world, and that whatever that looks like, he is at peace with already. He is committed to me, loves me, and has moved past his foibles with poly - he understands what I need, and is happy to give it to me. I teared up - how fucking CRAZY AWESOME is this after all of those months of uphill eye-gouging misery?
His advice was: Go slow. Suss out TheDirector and see what he's made of. To delay sex - which we're doing anyways because we're both getting full DNA panels for HPV and all of the herps - until I feel like I can trust this man with my heart. I know that there are no guarantees, but this door in my heart is hinging open, and I don't want to bring it out into the light just to get weed-whacked in a few weeks.
Elemental went so far as to say that if I ever wanted to have a child with another partner, that he would be involved and supportive. He's been doing a lot of thinking about potentials, and has come to some personal conclusions that I've been finding really interesting to hear about. He is very open, to say the least. I can't see myself wanting children, but it's an interesting thing to have said to you. Elemental had a vasectomy performed when he was 21 - 22 years ago now - the likelihood of a reversal would be ridiculously low, and neither of us are pumped enough about the idea of babies to test the waters around all of that. His brother has already agreed to donate if I want a baby.... anyhow... tangent.
It's an interesting time for me. I head to the city Saturday to have lunch with a friend who is up from Florida on business, and then meet up with TheDirector to have dinner and go to a show, and possibly go dancing. I'm confused as to what to plan for afterwards mind you - I don't think we're anywhere near the sleepover place, so I'm not sure if I want to plan for a late night drive home, or to stay over at a friend's house. If Elemental is staying home, there's the chance that Copper will go out to our place, and if she does, I might take her apartment for the night. Or, maybe she'll stay out, and I can go booty call her at one am LOLOL. We'll see what happens.
Mahogany's ex told the kids at the table, without warning, that they were separating. In some ways it might have been better that it went that way, instead of a carefully rehearsed and scripted talk. It was very natural, and one her kids asked to see her new place, so they walked over there together. She seems calm, he seems calm, and I'm happy for her - things are really changing. She is heading overseas for a huge conference in under a week, and while I really want to be with her (so proud of her) I think the time to herself is valuable.
Back to work I go!
Wherever you go.... there you are.