Well, MD and I eventually did end up starting up our romance again. I had a few work commitments that took me out of town, so we didn't see each other like we were used to. When I returned, she was flirting hard, and since my feelings hadn't changed, I dove headlong into it again. This is about the time I started to read on forums and get some idea about what polyamory meant. I started to feel more confident that this didn't have to be a doomed relationship, and that with communication and care we could have something special.
We were already very special to each other, and quickly fell in love. And this isn't NRE talking. We were both shocked at how deeply we felt for each other. MD was especially surprised because she hadn't been this physical with a woman before. She had kissed girls here and there, but always as a drunk fun time out partying. This was obviously different. We spent hours looking into each other's eyes, listening to music, kissing, touching, talking, loving. I was caught up in NRE a bit at this point, and neglecting FJ's time needs, not to mention my responsibilities at home. Some conversations, and boundaries relating to time management were established, and things felt good.
Starting in March, things started to feel weird. MD had hung out with FJ and our kids a couple of times for dinner, and we had had a great time. (I could tell they had a mutual interest in each other at this point, but didn't say anything and journaled it) I came out to my best friend, who freaked out, but MD talked me through it and I thought we were on the same page. But shortly thereafter, she started gradually saying no to my invitations to do things, and the tone of our messages completely changed. (We message a lot via text because our work schedules are usually opposite) When I said things like I love you, or I miss you-which she and I always said back and forth very equally-they were completely ignored. I eventually asked her what was going on after about 2 weeks of giving her some space and things not changing. She said she was overwhelmed with life, and just needed some time alone with Bug but that she loved me, and nothing was wrong.
Well, things stayed on a friendship level, with no flirting, nothing physical and hardly seeing her for almost a month. During this time, we would chat about life, but there wasn't much else going on. I didn't let on that I was freaking out on the inside, but I was. I was analyzing every damn message, obsessing if I saw she was online but hadn't read my message, wondered if she was re-connecting with her ex....on and on. It sucked, and I had a lot of inner work to do to control those feelings. I felt like an idiot for ever thinking this could work, and tried my hardest to focus my energies at home, with FJ and on outside interests.
At the end of March, I ran into her at a local hangout when she was out with her brother and sister-in-law. She was super friendly and invited me to join her family for dinner. I did, and she thanked me afterwards for being her date, and she mildly flirted. I was so surprised to have even been invited to dinner, we hadn't seen each other for a while, so it was really nice. The next week she bartended an event that I put on, and I felt like I was showing her off
She is so good at what she does, and everyone raved about a specialty drink she had created for the event. She was flirting with me that night, and although I was confused, I was so happy. That night we had some heavy hitting flirting sessions, and I mentioned that I thought FJ had a crush on her. We talked about the idea of all of us together, and what that would be like, and we were both excited about it. For the next couple of days, I saw her on lunch breaks and such, and we rekindled our physical relationship. The next weekend she came over to make cookies, and we got a lot more than sugar cookies to eat that night