A few weeks back I read this thread http://www.polyamory.com/forum/showthread.php?t=46770
and I truly appreciate these posters sharing their stories of rebuilding trust. Yet I thought, well we didn't go through any of that. That made me wonder if Herman trusts me at all, what if he just didn't bother with it? I got down on myself because I was afraid to ask him, and even more for the idea that I often run across posts like this that make me think I don't know how he feels because we haven't spent much time talking about it.
I knew we were going out to a remote cabin with no electricity on a Saturday night so I decided to wait to talk to him about some things like that I've been thinking about because I knew we'd be alone with no distractions.Then I still didn't do it and I got down on myself about that. During that time I realized I wasn't actually afraid of his answer. I already knew what it would be. So here it is
me: do you trust me?
me: do you think I'm honest?
Herman: Of course
I just didn't want to hear it. I asked Jasper and his answer was nearly the same. I am honest with them and I want them to trust me but it seems too easy or something. It doesn't sound normal and I am scared.
I kept thinking about things and then asking myself why do you want to talk about all these issues? We are so happy with each other. Like why should I start a big discussion about trust? He trusts me. I know he does. I don't think he is wrong to do so. I am honest with him. Settled right? Why should I dig at it just because it isn't what other people experienced?
That night at the cabin I had a dream that Jasper and Herman had surprised me and taken me to this place I had never heard of. It was like some kind of resort that was personalized just for me. I looked around and there were friends and family of mine there too. I said, "This is blowing my mind!" Then I started walking around and little things began to look strange. I tried to walk out the front door and was stopped by staff. I started looking for other ways to leave and realized the outside of the place was surrounded in prison like deterrents.
The two of them worked together to give me everything I ever wanted and I felt... suspicious and then trapped? Nice
The person who doesn't trust is me, and the best part is I did that to myself. Who the hell am I to ask for help doing all this processing so I can rebuild trust? They are happy, they have confidence in me and I want to drudge all this crap up because I'm afraid? Who am I to question their feelings? What is wrong with me?
I find myself wishing I could just start over but that isn't how I really feel. I wouldn't want to give up anything that has happened I just want to get over it.