The Black Spot
I have been writing but not posting here for the last few weeks as I had been wanting to make an effort to talk to my partners instead of posting it here. This effort was rather unsuccessful.
I feel embarrassed about my newfound attachment to the concept of polyamory. I think because it goes back to the why now question. I was aware of it earlier, I just never felt a need to identify with it. No one is asking me to explain why now or questioning it at all but I feel weird about it. The acknowledgement just feels useful to me right now. I don't know why I am doing all this now, I keep trying to answer that question but I can't find it and I think it's just getting in the way of whatever progress I want to make. I can't keep distracting myself trying to figure that out.
A long while back I remember reading a post by GalaGirl where she said something like (paraphrasing here) what kind of wussy partner can't handle just talking about something?
It pops in my head often. Maybe I'm that wuss. I know I could handle just talking about anything that was brought to me. I know Herman could as well. Awhile back Herman and I were chatting in text, I basically told him I was pissed off that we were married. He responded that it was very frustrating when you think about it. This is why I imagine we'll be together forever. We were discussing our opinion on the marriage equality debate and it hit me that I hadn't really acknowledged the government's role in our relationship and I resented it. By the end of the conversation I thought it might be truly romantic for us to get divorced in celebration of our love of each other and freedom. I had no concerns at all having this conversation with him despite the fact that in essence it questioned our marriage.
But it isn't always that easy for me. I have these old fuzzy memories of times early in our relationship when I felt like I could tell him anything and I was willing to expose anything to him. I'm not sure I ever felt that way with anyone before. I don't feel that way now and I have been trying to figure out why and how to fix it for a very long time. Recently I think I've recognized it as being less overall and more that there just seems to be this black spot that I don't want to go near which sometimes affects things nearby but has certainly not covered our entire relationship. I have been trying to ignore that spot but I need to get rid of it and I think that means facing it.
I know when it changed. It changed the first time I hurt him. When I admitted to him I had sex with someone else I did it because I was so upset and I needed to talk to him. He was my person I could tell anything to. But I just transferred all of my pain to him. Seeing him hurt changed things for me slowly. There was something about me that hurt him and so I hid it and he ignored it. For me the fact that I cheated equates to the fact that I can love multiple people because that is why I did it. It all goes in the same black spot. It seems most things regarding my sexuality have fallen in as well.
Relatedly GalaGirl often speaks of the desire for a partner to accept all of you. For someone who identifies as polyamory being part of who they are and not just something they do or don't do, to feel truly loved I want that part of me accepted and loved with the rest, not hidden or denied. But I have that! No one has ever asked me to hide it or not talk about it. I impose that on myself. But that part (in my mind) hurt him. I haven't ever figured out what that means for me, I haven't ever made peace with it.
I just have this feeling that if I could just spit a bunch of things out I could quit worrying so much and just live. Most importantly I'd be ready for whatever life throws at us next.