I don't know if poly is the right word for me.
Part of this is internal backlash from my first serious poly relationship going south--way south. Domestic violence south (not directed at me, it was among the other three members of the quad, but very disturbing nonetheless.)
I know that I want freedom in my relationship. I know that I want to not have to be PARANOID about talking to someone, flirting, a kiss. I want my love to come home from a night out and tell me about the cute girl he made out with or the guy he thought was hot. And while I know that open relationships can turn into poly ones pretty easily if given the time....*sigh* I don't know.
I suppose it doesn't MATTER when I don't have any relationship, let alone more than one.
But I don't want to be a secondary (again). At this point in my life, I need to be the only really important one for a while. I need to heal, because in this last relationship, my needs ALWAYS came last or there was emotional hell to pay, and I need some healthy adoration and respect.
Just throwing that out to the universe. Don't know what exactly I'm looking for. Maybe reassurance that one day someone and I will fall madly in love and be ready to handle whatever comes our way, including new lovers. *sigh*