The saga continues
Shoo....took a break from writing about all this to actually deal with all this. I find myself wanting to catch up though, so I can get to the current state of affairs.
So, MD committed to making it work with her ex. I was fully supportive, and told her that I would never get in the way of her best chance with the father of her child, and someone she truly loved. We continued to talk all the time, and saw each other quite a bit, but all platonically. Her ex continued to snort pills, and was often out without explanation until 3 or 4. She was trying to make it work, but he was clearly not ready to get clean. I supported her through this time as a friend.
This is where I should insert some of my past. My parents met and married just after 6 months because my mother was pregnant with me. My father was in bands that played frequently, and he was an alcoholic and a philanderer. He was also a deeply artistic and loving man. He had major demons though, and it colored the first 12 years of my life. My mother was never really happy, and I remember taking care of her and worrying about how sad she was-some of my earliest memories in fact. They fought a lot, sometimes loudly and with broken plates, guitars, etc. I had a little brother too, and we stuck together and made it through our childhood together. I have a tape of myself as a little girl singing that I was the mother of everyone. So-I was definitely a caretaker, mothering type from a very early age. Still am, and to a fault. When I was 9, my father was in a car accident after a gig one night, and his friends got hurt. He was high on cocaine and drunk, and went to jail for 6 months. We moved away during this time, but moved back shortly after my 10th birthday. When we got back, my dad slowly started getting sober and stopped playing gigs. He was diagnosed with Hep C around my 12th birthday, which finally did the trick to get him truly sober. Unfortunately, my mom didn't cope with the transition well. And hell, I can't begin to imagine what it was like for her to live like that for so long. Unhappy, not in love, taken advantage of, unfulfilled....sigh. So she started drinking heavy and staying out all hours when I was 15. She divorced my father around then, and started sleeping with others, eventually settling with a guy who I despised. She lost our house in foreclosure just after I went away to college at 17, and her and my little bro moved in with the jackass. My mother continued to drink heavily, was not really involved in my life emotionally, despite me starting to have babies. In fact my mother was never really emotionally invested as a mother....we were just very opposite. I always felt like I was taking care of her, like I was smarter than her, and like I had my shit together more than her. Which in all honesty, I did. But it led to resentment and a real rift in our relationship.
My father's health was ailing, and he was on a transplant list for a new liver. He passed away when my 2nd child was just 2 weeks old, and it crushed me. As an adult, we had just forged a new and special relationship, with many of my past pains being healed. He loved his grand baby, and was so supportive of me. I was only 22 at the time.
My mom and her boyfriend eventually broke up, but her life just sorta spiraled downward. She was absolutely clinically depressed, and her drinking just got worse. My grandmother passed away in 2006, and it crushed my mom. She moved across country to be with my grandfather, but she was in absolutely no state to take care of anyone. That blew up in a giant fight, and she got on a bus and moved to our rural town. At this point, I was pretty good at setting up boundaries to protect myself and our family life. She had 2 weeks to find her own apartment, which she did just down the street from us. I tried to repair that relationship, but her drinking didn't slow down. Found a water bottle she left in my van after a MORNING shopping trip that was watered down vodka. One of my kids was about to drink it. She was walking to our house one morning around 9am, and fell and needed 7 stitches in her forehead....she was already/still drunk that early in the morning. I begged her to embrace the good things in her life-the kids, our family, work, new friends, hobbies, whatever! It eventually wasn't enough to save her. When I was 7 months pregnant with my 5th child, I went to her apartment with the other 4 kids and she didn't answer the door. My mother passed away in 2009, her drinking eventually killed her.
Where as I miss my dad, we had a chance to heal our relationship. I mourn that my kids don't know how amazing and loving he was, but the pain is bearable. With my mom's death, it still feels like I couldn't save her. Like ultimately she rejected me and chose death. In my mind, I know logically that there was never anything I could do to save her from herself. Not when I was just a girl, and not as an adult. That was her journey to travel for herself. But the pain is still very real, and it cuts me to my care-taker core.
So back to MD....during the time she was trying to make it work with her ex, I was struggling through some major turmoil of my own. Watching the addiction cycle so closely brought up feelings I had buried about my own mother. It was an intense personal journey for me, because I had to separate my issues with my mother from my feelings for MD. They were a tangled mess, and I was in a dark place for awhile. I was supporting MD, and dealing with my personal work by myself. I didn't talk much about them with FJ, and not at all with MD. I was drinking more than I should've and emotionally withdrawing from all sorts of shit. But I took a hard look, and got some good counsel from a friend I did open up to, and started to do the hard inner work. That work is far from over, but it was so helpful to pinpoint my pain and separate my feelings for MD.
MD's ex ended up abruptly leaving to "get clean" at his mom's shortly after Christmas. He stopped talking to MD and Bug, without much explanation. Started his old pattern of insulting and alienating MD, and back to the work torture. She was a mess. She was devastated, and leaned on me as a friend a lot for the next month. She tells me that I pulled her out of a dark place, and I'm so glad I could be there for her.
So, there is a very strong friendship here between the 2 of us. She also lost her dad when she was in her early 20s, and we really connect about that. I would never want to lose her friendship. But all the while, my feelings for her never changed. I loved her and wanted to be with her even more at this point.
franchescasc-33, bi female, likely monogomish formerly in triad relationship with:
FJ-36, married 15 yrs
MD-35, gf for 8 months
Currently dating SM, male, 40, monogamous