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Old 01-23-2010, 06:25 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
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(CdM)Based on what you have said, you set out boundaries for opening your marriage and he rode rough-shod over them because of his impatience to "get on with it". He betrayed your trust and showed you little to no respect.
Rushing always fucks things up-I agree with Maca on this detail.

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(CDM)I agree that right now you shouldn't be concerning yourself with anyone else outside of your marriage - find out whether you can get back to a feeling of stability and trust with your current partner. I strongly believe that a relationship has to have solid trust as a foundation and that an open relationship needs it even more. It doesn't sound like you have that right now, and that is what you need to find out whether you can get back or not - and that is between you are your partner.
This is repeated all over the net in terms of poly relationships. There is a REASON it's said SO OFTEN. It's because it's SO TRUE and it's SO NECESSARY.


Below red added by me.
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Originally Posted by YGirl View Post
(D/s)
It supposed to be all about feeling GOOD. The Dominant feels good pleasing the submissive, and the sub feels GOOD by pleasing the Dom. It is NOT about the Dom "expanding" the sub's boundaries by making him or her do things they are not ready to do or wouldn't normally want to do (unless this is ASKED FOR and AGREED TO without emotional blackmail).
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(gs)I think it's really important to state first that this is a prime example of why it's soooooo important to grasp the distinction between love/connection and sex. As I've no doubt said before - as have others - the two CAN go together and it's a beautiful thing when they do ! But neither is a 'requirement' of the other.
Very true, very apt.
BUT only YOU as an individual can decide if you CHOOSE to have sex without that love/connection. If you don't choose to, then you are responsible for not letting someone else manipulate into doing so.

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(gs)Now I'm not going to make ANY judgment on that one way or the other but only say that you need to just be aware that it's a 'choice'. A choice each individual may make but when making it, that's it a conscious, INFORMED choice and not coming from a place of dogma, early invalid programming etc. But in my opinion and experience it's every bit as ethical (and desirable) to offer someone sexual pleasure when in need as it is to offer them food when hungry. Society in general does NOT hold that view. We all get to make that individual choice.
Key detail-as noted here, it's a choice and you both need to REALLY figure out what the heck you TRULY believe-then LIVE IT. Instead of talking about "theory" of living it.

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(gs) One the one hand, you speak to your concept of the 'disconnect' - something you are afraid you have permanently lost, and on the other hand you fully acknowledge that in fact that 'connection' can and does still exist ! It's not always 'disconnected'. Confusion and confusing for you. But I bet if you were able somehow to rewind all of your sexual experiences with Stewy back to day one, you'd discover that not ALL of them were of the deep, bonding experiences. Some were just fun & pleasurable. Some probably weren't even that
VERY worth noting. Also worth SERIOUS consideration in regards to the example of the "first time" you gave me on the phone.
That was a horrifically DUMB way to start a relationship. You really need to go back and figure out WHY you decided it was "ok" or "safe" to go forward from there-FIRST. THEN you work on whether or not you are able NOW to decide what IS or is not safe. THEN when you resolve THAT issue you can work on staying or leaving and if you decide to stay THEN you can work on the marriage...

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(gs)I seriously hope that you don't feel that the 'bond' that existed between you two has broken ! If the only 'bond' that existed was sexually based you have a whole bigger issue to deal with !
Yes-yes you do. Again, time to go BACKWARDS to the beginning and figure out, why did you move forward from that beginning, what was it that made you decide it was safe AND was it correct or no?

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(gs)... BDSM ...It seems a LOT of detailed knowledge is important for traveling that path. It may well be possible that both your understandings of the roles of Dom/sub may have been lacking some of that real in depth knowledge.
To say the VERY least.


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(gs)So as traumatic as this all seems now, I do believe there's a big potential for something wonderful to come out of it. But THAT is primarily a 'choice'.
Yes it does have that potential, but potential is NOTHING without persistence in solving the underlying issues.


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(Lemon)You should take what Redpepper said seriously. Your husband abused his power, and he needs to be taught more before he takes that role again.
VERY true.

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(lemon)I have not had exactly the same experience you have, but I have spent some time working on my marriage with a poly-friendly counsellor--BTW, I **highly** recommend finding your own poly-friendly therapist.
That would be awesome, but personally I haven't been able to find one in the whole damn state.

Another good list of steps:
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(lemon)... try physical contact for the sake of physical contact--cuddling but knowing that there will be no sex afterward.
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(lemon)Schedule time for intimacy--not sex, but talking just to each other, cuddling, paying attention to each other with no distractions.
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(lemon)build the habit
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(lemon)scheduling it helps prevent blame--if it's on the schedule, then no one can say, "you're always on the computer" or "you're never home in time" or even "I just couldn't fit it in".
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(lemon)You ALWAYS have rights. Even as a sub, you have rights, and you should have negotiated them beforehand. There are some wonderful books out there about BDSM, please please find one and read it.
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(lemon)you MUST take some time to figure out what you need and how that can be achieved. If you continue to place other's needs above your own, it will destroy your relationships.
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(lemon)You are their model for a mom. If they see you always giving up what you need for the needs of others, then they will see that moms are not as valuable as anyone else. If you have a daughter, that's a terrible legacy to leave her. If you have a son, do you want him to treat his female partners that way? You are doing your children a favor if you learn to weigh your needs more heavily. It's hard, but oh so worth it, and you'll eventually see that you can do it without taking anything valuable from them.
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Originally Posted by CielDuMatin View Post
Now, of course, none of us were there, so we don't know the dynamic of the communication that went on before this took place. We don't know whether boundaries were clearly laid-out - we just know that something happened such that afterwards, the OP feels that the boundaries got crossed and doesn't feel good about it.
Bold/underline by me. NECESSARY for boundaries to be laid out SPECIFICALLY and CLEARLY in ANY poly and/or D/s relationship. PERIOD.

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Originally Posted by midnightsun View Post
He's devastated and fears it means the end of our marriage. He recognizes now what he did, what it did to me, and what he/we have lost in our marriage because of it. The bond he & I had during sex was sacred to him... yet at the same time he didn't recognize that it was no longer there for me.
Time to stop being "devastated" and start working. Work is the ONLY way it's going to get fixed.

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Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
I agree with you GS. I think it's important to feel the trauma, and then work towards healing without getting too caught up in becoming a life long victim of what happened. There are huge lessons to be learned from this and they won't be learned if midnight decides to stay a victim in it. The point is to move forward and become knowledgable about yourself and become something more... stronger, more ocnfident and assured of yourself.
That's all for tonight. I'm tired, my fingers and hands are sweaty and clammy-and it's already 9:30 nearly with no time with Maca, so I gotta go.
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