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Old 01-23-2010, 06:23 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,510

My instinct is that I need to address the problem where it began... outside of our marriage.
NOT where it started.
You instinctively want to go where you know you are safe. Purely animalistic, self-defense mechanism, no different from Maca wanting to go to his dad when he's having issue.
You don't feel safe inside of the marriage.
You haven't BEEN safe inside of the marriage.
If it's fixable-it's only fixable inside of the marriage.
THE DISCONNECT can be fixed outside of the marriage, but the marriage can only be fixed from within and the disconnect is only a SYMPTOM of the issues within the marriage.
SO-if you JUST want the connection back-get a divorce.
IF you want the marriage AND the connection back-you have to fix it INSIDE of the marriage and it will likely take a few years of CONSCIOUS, CONCERTED, DAILY effort.

(ms)That I need to find at least one other partner and for sex with that person to ONLY be associated with a deep, emotional connection.
You NEED to not have sex until you figure out how to BE SURE that YOU will ALWAYS keep YOU safe no matter what. It's not your partners job to keep you safe FOR you, it's their job to BACK YOU UP in keeping yourself safe.

Therefore you need to continue to build deep emotional connections-AND WORK ON YOURSELF with a therapist WITH NO SEX. NONE. Until your therapist can say that YOU are capable of properly caring for yourself.
They make these great little vibrating toys-become friends with it for now.

AND yes I know "he feels love through sex". He needs to get to a therapist and solve his issues without sex as well.

(ms)It would probably help if sex between my husband and I ONLY happened when there is a simultaneous emotional connection between us. I see that as being hard to accomplish given that he has a much higher sex drive than me and my nature being to want to please him and give him what he needs, even if it's to my own detriment.
If you both REALLY want to fix this emotional disconnectedness-sex will HAVE to happen ONLY when there is a simultaneous emotional connection between you.

(ms)He fears that if I have lost that association with him, and I find it with another person, that it will prevent me from being able to repair my bond with him. He fears further damage to our marriage and losing each other altogether.
Making decisions in fear isn't generally a good idea. BUT I tend to agree with him as explained previously.
BUT-if you try to solve it by making love and NOT addressing the things noted previously-it will also prevent you from TRULY repairing and creating that bond with him and further damage your marriage etc.

(ms)What if it can only be repaired outside our marriage?
Not the case.

(ms)What if it can't be repaired?
It can, but are you willing to ACTUALLY put in the HOURS, DAYS, MONTHS, YEARS required???

(ms)What if it can be repaired within our marriage but additional relationships would neither hurt nor help?
Not really pertinent-sex won't help regardless of who it is right now (in or out of the marriage) and everyone needs additional relationships of SOME SORT. So you both need to create outside additional relationships that are not sexual, but have deep, meaning for each of you (and the other people), close, connected bonds, and promote healthy and productive growth in yourselves.

(ms)What if repairing it outside our marriage makes him feel insecure?
Can't be done, so it doesn't matter.
BUT he needs to deal with his insecurities. They are HIS problem and HIS responsibility to resolve. He might ought to check out about that and if that isn't clear enough for him-or he wants MORE info, PM Ceoli on where to find more articles by that guy. Mono suggests the book I already told you about a lot ( I have two copies).
The therapist can work with him if he's willing to take responsibility and say "I have this issue" instead of continuing to push it off on "this action makes me insecure" (which isn't the way it works anyway).

(ms)Who's needs do we prioritize?
You each need to individually prioritize YOUR OWN NEEDS while committing to "do no harm" to one another in the process. That does not mean "well it's harmful to him to not have sex, so I have to give it to him". It's HARMFUL for you to continue to placate the underlying issues that leave him only feeling loved when he gets sex AND it's harmful to you to continue having sex when you don't want it and are allowing yourself to be used for his needs IN SPITE of your own.

I discussed your concern w/Stewy and he responded that the purpose of posting for input was exactly for that... input. That we need, and will value ALL input. Especially yours.
Our goal is that the bond be repaired, HOW it gets repaired is of secondary importance. So, we BOTH welcome any and all perspectives.
One can only hope.

Originally Posted by MonoVCPHG View Post
I've got to admit I am way out of my depth and think much differently about the fragility of connection. I do believe others can take that away and have experienced this in short term and long term ways. My professional help. Counselling with the right person did wonders for me. All too often people try desperately to avoid the help of pros. Keep that option in mind.
Bolding by me, great advice there.
Obviously I don't necessarily agree with Mono in theory, but the bottom line is the same.
I think that I should clarify-I don't believe that an outside person can destroy a connection between you and your husband without YOU or HE allowing it.
BUT if you or he allows it-then yes, I agree with Mono. Unfortunately MOST people don't know HOW to "now allow" it. I forget that sometimes, as it's something I've mastered. BUT-the bottom line is-get therapy, it DOES help if you put yourself into it 100%.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
Hi there. I just read this and frankly it has sent a chill down my spine. I feel like I want to vomit when I think of a dom making you have sex with people you don't want to. Speaking as a dom I would NEVER do that. I am absolutely appalled and speachless. You'll have to what for my response.
RP, from the heart. No, she doesn't know you, either of you. Any of us.
BUT, she speaks as Stewy's "equal" in the D/s world and that alone should earn her a great deal of respect. As an EDUCATED and MORE EXPERIENCED Dom, her opinion should be critically important to you, both of you.
ESPECIALLY when taken in context with OTHER posts on this board (by Mono) about her AS A DOM.

(rp)It sounds like you made it clear from the beginning that you have certain criteria for having sexual relationships with people. Whether or not your husband is good at "developing a preliminary bond much faster" has no bearing on that, or shouldn't in my opinion. You should of done some research into D/s before hand. Anyone starting out should. If you wanted to know how to belly dance you would go and take a class, sure you can shimmy your hips around, but if you do that too much you can hurt your back... the same goes for BDSM, only it can damage you psychologically, as you have found out.
Bolding by me. Again, as being more experienced at BDSM AND polyamory, her advice should be respected at least until such time as you have more knowledge and experience in the topic at hand.

(rp)High standards mean you are taking care of yourself sexually, there is absolutely no reason why you shouldn't. Your body and mind were telling you something with those "high standards" and that is that it wasn't good for you to get into what was being offered... because it would be damaging.
VERY important-ALL OF US MUST take care of ourselves first and we NEED to listen to our "inner" selves when they tell us something.
Sometimes it's wrong-but we need to LISTEN and then we need to correct. But not just ignore and click "override".

(rp)You didn't listen to yourself first, but chose to listen to your husband. Any sub will tell you that the bottom line is that you have to be okay with what is going on... the point is to be energetically charged and excited about being submissive, not damaged.
I dare to correct, any EXPERIENCED and/or HEALTHY sub...
(and at least one has)

(rp)You were not being "picky" you were listening to your self at that point and that deserved some respect. He didn't respect that. He disrespected you. He didn't cherish your safety, he abused his authority over you. He should never of dictated that you should take any "opportunity" that comes along if you were telling him you weren't comfortable.
You didn't respect you.
He didn't respect you.
By your own admission this was a continual problem.
The cause of those two things MUST be addressed DEEPLY first. DEEPLY-meaning THE BOTTOMLINE cause of lack of respect. Not the "well I felt like you wanted" cause-the REAL UNDERLYING CAUSE in both cases.

(rp) There should of been a change in your relationship if he was frustrated. It should of been talked out so that you both had your needs met and were safe and the boundaries were clear.
There should have BEEN boundaries AND they should have been renegotiated. Going forward there MUST be boundaries and they will need renegotiated as you each grow, learn and move forward towards true connection and trust.

(rp)Essentially he has prostituted you out so that he can get off...
The details of with whom are ABITRARY. But the point is not.
the other point is-you allowed it.

(rp)Not only that but you were violated by others because of him.
The point is valid again.
You allowed it.
"Love As Thou Wilt"

Last edited by LovingRadiance; 01-23-2010 at 09:18 AM. Reason: to fix a quote that wasn't in a quote box
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