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Old 01-23-2010, 06:23 AM
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LovingRadiance LovingRadiance is offline
Join Date: Sep 2009
Posts: 5,509

(ms)Wanting to please him, wanting him to be fulfilled, I crossed a threshold I never should have crossed with people with whom I was NOT attracted to, did NOT have chemistry with and had NO bond with whatsoever.
THAT was a GROSS NEGLECT of your own responsibility to yourself.

He WAS wrong for pushing you to, but no more or less wrong then you were for allowing yourself to. (NOT saying he is not FULLY responsible for his gross misconduct in pushing you to-but that was addressed in my last paragraph)

One must FIRST respect THEMSELF before they can give over their trust to ANYONE else to protect them (and their own self respect).

(ms)That was a couple of years ago and since then, I have crossed that threshold repeatedly.
This is a clear-cut sign that you REALLY need to see a therapist AND so does he, separately. As noted by Mono. To allow yourself to REPEATEDLY disrespect yourself in such a HUGE manner shows a HUGE issue with your own ability to properly prioritize yourself in respect to ANYONE else in life. This NEEDS to be addressed before you can have a functional, healthy relationship WITH ANYONE in ANY form (lover, husband, Dom, friend, child, parent etc)

(ms)The result being that the connection between sex and emotional bonding was severed for me... however I was not fully AWARE of the disconnect until this week. When I realized the full extent of it, I was devastated.
I think that you ought be more devastated over the reality that you allowed yourself to be raped repeatedly for the same basic, non-essential and basically unimportant reason (he saying to).

IF one believes that their "deeper soul" self, most commonly found through emotions and artistic outlets is more important than their bodies (as you often say you do...) THEN rape of their deeper soul is more a RAPE then if it were their physical body and therefore MUCH MORE DAMAGING.And a Dom telling a sub to break a boundary-is FIRST a rape of their soul, in the case of sex-it's then ALSO a rape of the body.

(ms)To make matters worse, it became clear to me that the disconnect wasn't compartmentalized... it had carried over into the sexual and emotional aspects of my marriage as well.
Actually I dare say it was the other way around. Your disconnect started with him. Then it carried over into the sexual and emotional relationships you had outside of your marriage as well (including with me).
(You didn't simply disconnect emotions from sex. You disconnected emotionally. I think if you REALLY look into what I'm saying-and keep reading the personal messages I've been working to send you to explain where I am and why I am having issues in relationship to OUR relationship-you'll see what I mean.)

(ms)I have no clue where to begin to try and repair the damage, or whether it's even repairable.
It is repairable. Been there, done that. It's NOT easy, it's NOT fast and it IS a LOT of work. But it can be done.

For your side-you need to

2. Talk to the therapist about dealing with this issue of "subbing" yourself out to anyone who shows even a remotely "dominating" personality with NO CONSIDERATION FOR YOUR OWN WELL BEING-as that is a very co-dependent and self-destructive behavior.
It MIGHT be related to the ADD, it IS related to your lack of TRUE self-esteem.

For his side,
1. Talk to the therapist about what makes him have such low self-esteem that he needs to dominate conversations, order people around or make them feel inferior to him by belittling them in order to feel secure. (as you aren't the only person he does this with-it's a bigger issue then this example you've posted).

2. He needs to research you. Seriously-he needs to LEARN you. Every little iota of what makes YOU everything you are.
What do you LOVE? LOATHE? Like? Hate? Need? Want? Miss? Long for? Hope to avoid? Colors? Tastes? Scents? Activities? (that list I emailed you is a VERY SLIM start) Foods? Drinks? special memories? Special dreams? Special fears? Who moves (good and bad ways)you? When? How? Why? What moves you (good and bad ways)? When? How? Why? I could go forever on this list! It's not exhaustive-but making it would be..... you guessed it, exhausting! It's HIS job to do it and find the info-if you want to work this out-it's your job to ANSWER HIS QUESTIONS HONESTLY-but it's his job to ask.

This does NOT work if you just jump up and offer him all of the info up front. THAT doesn't build your trust or faith in him AND it doesn't make him do the dirt work that will teach him how PRECIOUS a commodity that type of knowledge is.

(ms)He and I have been discussing finding permanent polyamorous partners up until this point, and now we're completely confused about whether that would help or hurt the situation.
No person (or couple) should EVER try to start a relationship with another person until they themselves are on solid footing. It's not loving to reach out to another when you yourself are flailing. It would be like if you were drowning AND calling your child to come in the water to you. Totally ridiculous image yes? Exactly the same image I have of two people who are flailing in themselves reaching out to have others join them....

(ms)Up until now, neither of us have had any long-term secondary sexual partners that we've had a deep bond with.
Resistance.. OMG resistance LR.
WTF are YOU doing with a BF at all if you have no deep bond!!!!!!! PLEASE re-read all of this and answer it for yourself. The question is rhetorical as far as I'm concerned, I don't need the answer, I already KNOW it.

(ms)I have formed emotional bonds to other non-sexual partners, and I have FWB's that have been primarily sexual but they are both FRIENDS with whom I at least feel *some* connection.
So help me out is *some* good enough FOR YOU???
Because you SAY it's not.
IF it's really not-WTF are you doing?

(ms)So, the crux of the debate is... the Disconnect (as I call it) happened not within the context of one-on-one sex with my husband and I. It happened in the context of non-monogamy.
Falty reasoning AND I beg to differ.
I won't repeat-but per our phone conversation-this is NOT true. It quite certainly started PRIOR to non-monogomy coming into play.
Furthermore-regardless of WHEN it started it was triggered BY the issues of lack of the following: respect, trustworthiness, honesty, protection, loyalty, kindness, compassion, security and promotion and acceptance of self-growth IN YOUR MARRIAGE.
Therefore-the problem is a MARITAL problem, not a "non-monogomy" problem.

(ms)So, if we "close" our marriage to the possibility of polyamory and exclude possible sexual interaction with others that I have a deep bond with, would it still be possible to reconnect the association between sex and emotional bonding for me?
THAT would be stupid.
Bolding by me, possibilities in life are endless and closing off future possibilities for anything is stupid.

That would be like me saying that the POSSIBILITY of a monogomous relationship in my future is CLOSED OFF. Absurd, if Maca died, and there wasn't anyone else I was in love with-I would be in a monogomous relationship with GG. If GG died and there wasn't anyone else I was in love with-I would be in a monogomous relationship with Maca.

HOWEVER-for NOW you need to back up and work ON YOURSELF and he needs to back up and work on HIMSELF. The focus shouldn't be on ANYONE ELSE, nor should it be on the "marriage" at this point. You both need to fix YOURSELVES first, then you work on the marriage.
THEN when the marriage is stable, you can DISCUSS the possibillity of polyamory, swinging, BDSM etc.

Underlining by me-
You need to REBUILD TRUST before you can RECONNECT these things.
You need to FOSTER the connection-where ever you have it-WITHOUT sex first. Use your experience of what "triggers" that sense of connection within you and the ensuing DESIRE to SHARE IT MORE INTIMATELY to help you recreate it with your husband in non-sexual ways.
THEN when you have that sense of connection FULL TIME with him in the non-sexual realm, then YOU can start instigating sexual behaviors with him WHEN YOU FEEL THE DESIRE TO SHARE THE CONNECTION MORE INTIMATELY.
NOT when he wants it!!
It has to be WHEN YOU FEEL it.

Also, there's clearly a trust issue that now needs to be resolved because I entrusted Stewy with considering my emotional needs and psychological well-being as my Dom and was let down... repeatedly (even tho I reiterrated my needs to him frequently.)
More work, more time, the above suggestions will start that process. Skipping them, will doom it. You may be able to create a SENSE that it's "all ok" for awhile-but that would be behavior of a TYPICAL cycle of abuse as RP pointed out.
"Love As Thou Wilt"

Last edited by LovingRadiance; 01-23-2010 at 09:03 AM. Reason: clarify confusing sentence.
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