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Old 01-23-2010, 03:33 AM
unloaded88 unloaded88 is offline
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Join Date: Jan 2010
Location: Ventura, CA
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Question New and having some serious difficulty. Help part 2.

Thank you to all who replied to my first thread. Your comments and suggestions helped me gain ALOT of clarity about my situation and also gave me a few things that I should give thought to.

So heres an update...

My girlfriend returned from Jamaica last Saturday and we had a few hours to bond and talk about the week. I let her know my feelings, fears, and emotions in detail.
I let her know that I needed some time to get through what I'm feeling and she let me know that she, in turn, felt very sad that the situation had caused me pain. We both agreed that we should have talked about the subject, and feelings that might come up more beforehand, and agreed to do so in the future. After both of us have thoroughly processed the situation. She let me know everything that went on during her trip. Good conversation, sex with a guy and a couple girls, alot of flirting, touching etc. Not too big a deal, its just sex, and she'll probably never see the guy again.

Now heres the part that is, for me, hard to deal with;

I know what im feeling, and I know what bothered me about the situation. I know what I want to do different and I know what I need from her in order for me to be ok in this type of relationship. I believe that I have, for the most part, processed and internalized the situation.
We both have busy lives. Kids. Jobs. Friends. etc. She let me know that she would need two weeks for herself before she was willing to sit down, stop the wheels upstairs, and get a firm understanding of how she feels about the situation. The situation being the week in Jamaica. The attitude, the level, if any, of spirituality, her opinion of that lifestyle, and generally just how she FELT about it. Being there and being a part of a "swingers" resort. She put the experience in the back of her mind to be pulled out and dealt with later. Something wich I am definitely NOT able to do.
Well during this first week I am experiencing some common fears almost on a daily basis. Inadequacy. Abandonment. Etc. I feel like I need physical affection, love, and communication from her constantly. And I am not a "needy" person. I believe this "need" would go away if not for several factors.

1. She is not good with showing "physical" affection. Great with communicating, and telling me what I mean to her, the reasons she fell in love with me, etc. But actually physically showing me is hard for her. Especially right now when, she hasnt come to terms with the situation in jamaica, and seems to be kinda like on autopilot.

2. She seems to withdraw from me when she can tell what I'm going through or, when I tell her that I'm having fear issues. (Wich I have to admit, have been often over the last few days) It's like she's afraid of getting intimate or vulnerable right now. Something I have not seen from her thus far in our relationship.

I asked her if she was feeling guilty (wich I explained she shouldnt) and she explained that she felt sad and partially responsible for what I went, and am going through. She empathizes and is compassionate towards me but it always seems that its from an arms length. Weve talked and talked but I dont seem to get the "realness" I need. Everything right now is surface and "put on hold".
I'd really like for her to hurry up. Process the situation so she can get intimate and loving again, and in turn help me with what I need. But this seems very selfish and self centered to ask.
So whats the solution? Should I somehow try to put my feelings and emotions on hold? Am I missing something that I should be doing to reassure myself? Any ideas?

Last edited by unloaded88; 01-23-2010 at 03:39 AM.
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