my slip up- Friday, May 31,2013
So I have been up and down lately about JB being "out" and how much it is starting to bother me to "hide". Well today takes the cake and weather it was my little subconscious playing snide comment game in the back of my head while I was having a conversation with her dad, or it was just a brain fart moment, I am not quite sure but either way, I had a stressful day today because of it.
So JB is at work and her dad calls me and says that he needs to drop off a piece of mail for her. I said sure not a problem I will meet ya down stairs of the apartment so that you don't have to come up. Well I was chatting with her father he casaually asks weather we have gotten our ac units in, and I just in an automatic response said ya of course we have it in our room, not even thinking that it is supposed to be JB and CM's room not mine. Immediately I realized what I said and started the "oh shit" game in my head, I don't think that he even noticed. So I said JB loves it the ac is right above her head. He went on to talk about liking the cold himself and not being able to sleep if its hot. I agreed and quickly said my good-byes. I didn't want him to have anything else to tip him off. Me and my big yap. I don't think that I did this intentionally as some may believe, and maybe my sub-conscious and the ugly green eyed monster reared their ugly heads in the back part of my brain, you know the one that the "brain fart comes from" the dusty dirty never used part because I would certainly never ever ever hurt her intentionally. Or "out" her intentionally. I ran up three flights of stairs to burst into the apartment and through my hyperventilating I yelled to my husband, I messed up and slipped to JB's dad. I was so upset AND could barely breath he thought I totally outed her and started saying oh how could you, you know that she is afraid they will disown her. I know this and thus the reason I would never hurt her, when I told him what I did, he said he figured it would be best if I didn't tell her, hey it wasn't like he even noticed (well not yet anyways and that was my fear) So we go and meet JB at work and start to do our running around. Every time she asks something about her dad I want to tell her, every time she looks at me with the trust in her eyes I wanted to tell her what I did, not just because lies are apart of my past and I just don't like them in my life, or because I was afraid that her parents would catch those things and later confront her and she would n't even know what I did. so after 5 hours of internal "good angel, bad devil" conversations I decided to tell her. I couldn't tell if she was upset or scarde or just tired, but I finally called her into the bed room and relieved my conscious. I also informed my hubby that I told her the truth, he asked me why would you say that, I told him "lying is apart of my past and who I was when I was an addict and in order for us to work and know that we are going to take care of eachothers needs emotionally and physically and mentally then where would we really be? I wouldn't do that to you and keep something, why would I do it to her' JB seamed to smile at this. I am not sure if I have done the right thing by telling her, but I know that my conscious is clear and I know I wouldn't ever say anything in the world to hurt either one of my partners, how could I?? but I do know that no matter how much it hurts them the truth is always the best way to go.