It comes down to this; I don't want to be poly any more. I want to be free of it. I'm stuck with it for now. I don't want to share Mono. I'm stuck with that. I don't want to do most of the things going on in my life right now and I have to. No amount of medication is going to change that. Time and figuring it out will. I have been through this before. Its not uncommon for me in my life. I reach a place where it all hits the fan and I have to decide to start again or make do.
NYCindie: you were right, in part. I fucked up. If Mono were ever available for a monogamous relationship or even one with just PN and I would take it. He isn't though. He never has been. He likely never will be.
My losing Leo and dating Brad set us on a course that I didn't know would end up with his need to try out poly. If I had known I likely would of done something to try and stop the course. Everyone knows that is not possible so here I am anyway.
It was all coming to this point where I would find myself facing everyone I love starting new relationships. I cannot handle it without removing myself emotionally. Its a defence I know really well and its useful to me. Its not perminent or forever but its my coping mechanism until I do what I need to do (after I figure it out). I know it hurts people and I know it seems ridiculous and maybe even childish but I am working on it and I come here to dump the residue of that work.
The way I see it is I have lost an important love of my life. He was never going to be monogamous with me ever. Its not his nature. I want that with him or at least that chance but I am pretty sure what the out come will be. More cheating and more upheavel. For some reason I thought it was different or maybe things changed for me along the line. Its caused me to reaccess the future I had in mind for us eventually that will never be. That will take time. I need time. Its caused me to look at everything in my life and to change my long term plans in major ways. I'm creating new goals. That is not a joyous task for someone who is deeply hurt and mourning what she thinks she had with someone. A future she thought she had.
People can say until whenever that I should get over it and just deal but I love more deeply than most I think and its not possible yet. All I have is what I know and that is to gain perspective by distancing myself emotionally from everyone and everything. I know poly theory like the back of my hand but it doesn't mean I don't feel. Application is far different. I'm not good at this. I fully admit, but damn it, I will be better than fine.
Anyone want to be friends on Facebook?
Send me your name via PM