Originally Posted by afar
I want to thank you all for your responses. I am hopeful for the future whether he and I stay together or not. We're still in couseling, and he has expressed a heartfelt sorrow for his actions and for losing sight of what his family needed while he was away. I want to work it out. He's cut her out of his life in order to focus on us. I want to make it work too, but I don't think poly is something that I will brave again. I didn't have another partner at any point, and I wish I had been able to experience some of the positives that can come from such a relationship dynamic, but I fear my husband lacks the self control necessary to keep priorities in life in perspective while in NRE. Right now I am trying to get over all the hateful words that still linger, and the negative emotions that have been imprinted on my home. Any advice to get past that?
These are the parts of monogamy I find most dysfunctional.
You have fear and you're pinning it on poly which I find to be misplaced. You had this fear to begin with (abandonment issues) and poly brought it to the surface. Going back to monogamy - will it solve the problem? I went through this too, this surfacing of unresolved personal issues and honestly I'm glad for our relationship change and the bumpy ride it took to get to where we are today. Without it, I might still have those unresolved issues weighing on me so heavily. But absolutely people you or he see need to be of better character than who he was seeing.
You fear your husband's behavior and choices. Again, poly didn't make this true and monogamy won't necessarily bring a real solution. A dog that bites is still a dog that bites even if its tied up in the back yard. He was out of the bounds of monogamy and ran amok. Back inside the bounds of monogamy, the belief that he is once again a "safe dog" is something you might only be able to pretend is true.