Me and Evan are having a bit of a rough patch right now. We had a serious conversation about whether we want to continue the relationship or not. We decided that we do. The main issue is that we're still figuring out what we actually want out of this relationship, and it might not be the same thing. Like I've mentioned before, I'm kinda on/off with relationships and I'm not really used to going slow. And he's the opposite, he has always gone slow in the past. The thing is, I don't know if he's ever going to get to the point where I am or if he's slowly getting there. He can't really know either. I kinda feel like I might be more into him than he's into me, but then again it could just be that his feelings are developing slower. I'm really happy that he's been totally honest with me about his feelings and thoughts. He's worried that he's somehow stringing me along because he's unsure about his feelings. But I don't think he is, because I know where we are, I know what I've signed up for and he's not lying to me about this. I also keep forgetting that this is his first time dating two people at the same time, so he's still in the stage where he has to come out to people and also figure out for himself what poly means to him, practically. I've been poly for over two years now (and open for longer), so I don't always remember how it was in the beginning. I need more patience.
I'm a tiny bit worried that this will happen again:
Originally Posted by Mya
The revelation I had last night was that I have a past trauma about this subject. My first boyfriend never loved me but I loved him. We had this conversation:
Me: I love you
Ex: I don't know what love is so I can't say I love you back. I really like you though.
And this never changed. During our one year long relationship he never once said he loves me and that was eventually the reason we broke up.
But we'll see. I really do care about Evan and want to see where this goes. I need to stop overthinking and just enjoy his company. He is a great person in many ways. I feel like I'm already in a better place than I was when we had the conversation. I need to stay present in the moment.
Today I'm going to a big dance event. Almost all the poly people I know are going to be there, including my partners. I haven't seen Evan in a week and a half and Hank in two weeks, so I'm really looking forward to seeing them both. I'm seeing rory before the event, we're going to see a few friends of hers who are visiting Dream City and then go to the event together. That will be very nice too.