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Old 01-22-2010, 11:53 PM
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redpepper redpepper is offline
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Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
Add to this the most common feminine perspective that sex should only (or primarily) occur in a closely bonded environment and you have the foundations of the conflict.
I would like to suggest that it isn't a feminine perspective per sa, but A perspective... My men are very much of the opinion that there must be a bond before they have sex with anyone. I also believe that women in general seem to need a bond first. I would suggest that it is they that are being entered most of the time... something about entering anothers body and being entered. I don't want to go off on a tangent so I will leave it there.

Originally Posted by Lemondrop View Post
I don't know how much involvement you have in the BDSM community, but I know the one where I live has support groups and mentors. I think that could be valuable to both of you.

If your other relationships love you, they will be willing to be patient while you work on things with your husband.

Perhaps you could try physical contact for the sake of physical contact--cuddling but knowing that there will be no sex afterward. Schedule time for intimacy--not sex, but talking just to each other, cuddling, paying attention to each other with no distractions. It doesn't seem romantic to schedule it, but it helps build the habit and frankly, scheduling it is better than not having it. Also, scheduling it helps prevent blame--if it's on the schedule, then no one can say, "you're always on the computer" or "you're never home in time" or even "I just couldn't fit it in". My marriage was in serious trouble last summer, and we (with the help of our fabulous girlfriend) said 11 o'clock was cuddle time, no excuses, TV off, no computer. Drop everything and just do it. It sounded stupid, but it worked.

Try reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman.
All very good points Lemondrop and I will keep in mind all of these.

I have also read and used the five love language and found it very easy to read and it got to the point quickly. All three of us have learned about each other greatly from that book and have noticed how our requirements for being loved change and flow over time. It's important to note those changes and go with them.

Originally Posted by GroundedSpirit View Post
how SHE views it - going forward will be important.
I agree with you GS. I think it's important to feel the trauma, and then work towards healing without getting too caught up in becoming a life long victim of what happened. There are huge lessons to be learned from this and they won't be learned if midnight decides to stay a victim in it. The point is to move forward and become knowledgable about yourself and become something more... stronger, more ocnfident and assured of yourself.

Originally Posted by midnightsun View Post
He's devastated and fears it means the end of our marriage. He recognizes now what he did, what it did to me, and what he/we have lost in our marriage because of it. The bond he & I had during sex was sacred to him... yet at the same time he didn't recognize that it was no longer there for me.
I am glad to hear that he has some feelings towards the situation that respects you. It sounds like he has a lot of soul searching to do and has his own path to take in knowing himself better and healing perhaps from his own issues that caused him to act the way he did.

Good for him for taking the first step and having compassion for you. Now lets see what he does with that information... if he lets it slide and says he has changed having not done any work I would be wary as that is the path that abusers take. There is a whole excuse of "I was in a moment and it won't happen again"... it can and often does happen over and over again, putting the woman in a cycle of taking the abuse and becoming more deeply emeshed in the cycle. It can spiral to become worse and worse in time.

Perhaps looking into the cycle of abuse will be helpful. I think that this is possibly very much on the verge of becoming an abusive cycle. Time will tell. If you are finding yourself reacting to what I have just said with, "she doesn't know what she is talking about" then I would suggest you are already in the cycle. Just look into it. Prove me wrong. I love to be proved wrong.

My mum started and ran a center for battered women when I was a child. I was raised being involved with the women and children in that house and am very familiar with the cycle of abuse as a result. I also studied the cycle at university and was involved for a time after university in the same house my mum started. I am not talking out of my ass. Please. go ahead and prove me wrong. I will be the first to say you are right and I am wrong if that is the case.
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Last edited by NeonKaos; 01-31-2010 at 08:18 PM. Reason: merge posts
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