So it goes.
I've had two poly relationships. Both proved to be based on deception and hidden motives. Why? Why not just tell the truth? In the first one my wife wanted to unmarried, and set up her next partner before giving me the news about what was really going on, divorce, not poly.
In the second one I found myself being seen as a replacement husband for a broken 13yr marriage.
I had the opportunity to see this type of dishonesty from both prospectives, as the man being replaced, and as the man doing the replacing. Both positions are absolutely abhorrent to me, as the dishonesty, lack of consideration for the consequences of said actions and pain caused are and were completely unnecessary.
But that's a mute point as what happened, happened. In both cases the fear of being alone was the main motivator for how these events came into play the way they did.
Yes, I played my role in this, and I'm accountable for the pain and harm I caused. But I went into both relationships with the understanding it was Polyamory. It wasn't and never will be.
This is painful to write as I see just how deep the dishonesty and and lack of care for others actually went. Lying, cheating, breaking agreements, and using another human being in this way is beyond me. I wouldn't do it, won't do it. Ever.
But it has taught me to look closely at the person I'm in front of now and take my time to see what the fuck is really going on. Ilearned not once but twice now that Poly can be and will be used as cover for other things, Such as described above.
If and when I choose to get into another Poly relationship, I'll be damn sure to give it time, and to observe closely how the current relationships are working.
Painful life lessons over the last 24 months. But ones I wont forget.
I've forgiven both partners, as I have no room for hate or resentment in my heart, no room for it. They did love me, true enough. Just not enough to be honest or open about what was really happening. We all paid a steep price for those lies, theirs and my own.
SO kids? want to give poly a try? Thinking this will save your marriage, make your life easier? Think again. True poly is based on love and trust. you'd better have a strong foundation of both in your current relationship before you even consider it.
Freetime. All the time. Every time.