Thank you both SO much! These resources are great - I wish I had stumbled upon them earlier. Both of you are so right. I considered myself an excellent communicator before, so it's weird that I guess I didn't ask some specific questions that I should have. And need to accept things that they're not willing to share, as long as they don't violate any of my boundaries.
GalaGirl, that list is fantastic! I didn't really consider myself into any BDSM, but going through the checklist, I may now be interested in a few more things.
Annie, thank you! I'm so happy to hear that at least two people empathize. Email tends to work well for both me and DH... and C as well, now that I think about it.
Patience, books and checklists and websites. I have my work cut out for me. Thank you!