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Old 01-22-2010, 05:21 PM
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Lemondrop Lemondrop is offline
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Rocky Mountains, USA
Posts: 305

I just want to cry for you. I read this post because I thought it sounded like something I'm going through, but oh my. You should take what Redpepper said seriously. Your husband abused his power, and he needs to be taught more before he takes that role again. I don't know how much involvement you have in the BDSM community, but I know the one where I live has support groups and mentors. I think that could be valuable to both of you. HOWEVER, I also agree that if you want to repair your marriage, you should consider closing it for the time being so that you can concentrate on your primary relationship. If your other relationships love you, they will be willing to be patient while you work on things with your husband. I have not had exactly the same experience you have, but I have spent some time working on my marriage with a poly-friendly counsellor--BTW, I **highly** recommend finding your own poly-friendly therapist. You would not believe what a relief it is to be able to discuss some of these things openly, and my therapist has made some incredible insights and wonderful suggestions for my relationships.

I think what you are saying is that you need to rebuild intimacy with your husband. Perhaps you could try physical contact for the sake of physical contact--cuddling but knowing that there will be no sex afterward. Schedule time for intimacy--not sex, but talking just to each other, cuddling, paying attention to each other with no distractions. It doesn't seem romantic to schedule it, but it helps build the habit and frankly, scheduling it is better than not having it. Also, scheduling it helps prevent blame--if it's on the schedule, then no one can say, "you're always on the computer" or "you're never home in time" or even "I just couldn't fit it in". My marriage was in serious trouble last summer, and we (with the help of our fabulous girlfriend) said 11 o'clock was cuddle time, no excuses, TV off, no computer. Drop everything and just do it. It sounded stupid, but it worked.

Try reading The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman. It's hokey, and it's got a Christian slant but it's manageable for a non-Christian like me, and it gave me a lot of insights into myself and my husband. I found out, for example, that I feel loved when I'm touched, while he shows love by performing acts of service like doing the dishes. What this means in a real world sense is that during an argument when I'm upset, I just want to be hugged, but he will leave the room and put laundry in the washer. If I say, "I hate that you leave all these chores until the last minute so that you don't have time to cuddle with me" he will hear "do the chores" while I hear "I need more cuddling". It's made an ENORMOUS difference--he eventually figured out that if he just puts his hand on my arm, it calms me down. And someday maybe I'll learn not to get hysterical if he must do the dishes during an argument.

Originally Posted by redpepper View Post
There should of been a change in your relationship if he was frustrated. It should of been talked out so that you both had your needs met and were safe and the boundaries were clear. .
I just want to stress that again. You ALWAYS have rights. Even as a sub, you have rights, and you should have negotiated them beforehand. There are some wonderful books out there about BDSM, please please find one and read it. And let me tell you--as a mom, as a wife, as the wife of a budding dom, as someone who would and has put the needs of her family before her own, you MUST take some time to figure out what you need and how that can be achieved. If you continue to place other's needs above your own, it will destroy your relationships. It is good for them to know that you have needs, if they love you then they enjoy fulfilling you, and think of your children. You are their model for a mom. If they see you always giving up what you need for the needs of others, then they will see that moms are not as valuable as anyone else. If you have a daughter, that's a terrible legacy to leave her. If you have a son, do you want him to treat his female partners that way? You are doing your children a favor if you learn to weigh your needs more heavily. It's hard, but oh so worth it, and you'll eventually see that you can do it without taking anything valuable from them.
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